Stuck
by PhoebeDreams
Summary: Tonks is ill and stuck at Grimmauld Place so she writes down what’s on her mind in a muggle diary. Read about her thoughts about life, love, the order, and her changing feelings for Remus.
1. Ill, stuck and bored

**Stuck**

Summary:

Tonks is ill and stuck at Grimmauld Place, so she writes down what's on her mind in a muggle diary. Read about her thoughts about life, love, the order, and her changing feelings for Remus.

_June 24th, Monday_

_Some basic facts about the day:_

_Sweat-attacks: 2 (big improvement, compared to yesterday, when whole day was one large sweat-attack); hours in bed at bright daylight: 4 (but that means nothing, since it's June and the sun rises at 5 in the morning); vials of dreadful, dubious potions brewed by Snape: 3; mugs of cocoa: 1 (huge improvement, this one mug being the only thing I liked drinking for the past three days; meals that stayed in my stomach: 0_

Hello there, dear diary or whatever. Actually, you're just a muggle notebook, but I'll decorate you a bit more soon. And I think I'll also give you a name. You're not one of those speaking wizard diaries – who would've guessed – but I'm a little afraid of those anyway. I like to keep my thoughts private. (Note to self: Absolutely protect this from the Weasley twins.) The reason I start you is – I'm bored out of my mind! The day of Sirius' death and everything that happened at the ministry last year is now exactly a year ago. And apparently, my body likes to remind itself of what happened to it back then. So to speak: I'm sick again. The curse that hit me last year rehearsed itself, and I've been chained to my bed for the last three days. I've been allowed to get up and have breakfast with the others today, but I'll be out of business for at least a month, until we know for sure what it is that I've got. I was so angry when Moody told me this morning, I wanted to storm right up to Hogwarts and tell Dumbledore. About two minutes later I realized he was right. But that does not mean I'm happy with it. I love my work, both as an auror and for the order. And now I won't get to do anything except for some boring paperwork, and worse, I'm not allowed to go out at all! Molly already picked up some of my things from my place, so I don't even have that as an excuse. I ordered the twins to get me something to read and loads of chocolate (I hope they bring some edible stuff along with their joke sweets). By now, everyone has filed out of the kitchen to do some important work, except for Molly who's still cleaning up and Remus who's sitting at the opposite end of the table and staring into his coffee mug. He hasn't moved for fifteen minutes, his coffee's probably cold by now. I guess he's a little out of tune these days, what with Sirius' death last year and everything. Poor man. He's suffered too much and lost too many people already, but still shows no traces of weakness. He's a lot like Harry, actually. Always the noble one, always shutting people out. Apparently, he noticed me staring at him, for he looks over at me.

"Anything wrong?"

"No, nothing." Before he can get any ideas why I was staring at him, I hastily add:

"Just a little jealous that you are about to get out of this house and do something while I'll be stuck here for the next weeks."

"Well, I'm not that busy at the moment, and this task won't take long. Maybe I can keep you company for a while when I come back." He smiles at me, giving me the impression that he knows what I feel like. Maybe he does. He has put up with Sirius in an even worse mood for a year.

"Thanks, Remus." Molly cuts in.

"You should go back to bed now, get some more rest. You still look very pale." I nod. Of course. Very pale is Molly's way of telling you you look hideous. Remus pours down his cold coffee in one gulp, then holds out his arm to me.

"May I accompany you to your room, fair maid?" I have to giggle. Remus never fails to surprise me. Once you think you know him, this serious, earnest man pulls a joke and makes you laugh even though he's down himself. Sirius always called it "His old marauder mentality is breaking through." I guess he was happy living here with Sirius, but since his last friend has gone, too, his hair has gone even more grey. Still, he's an attractive man. He looks weary around the full moon, but once he's recovered, he's got that alerted look in his grey eyes, which are rimmed with little laughter crinkles. Even though I've never seen much of it, his body seems pretty firm. Okay… enough of the Remus thoughts for today. Don't know what's gotten into me. We've arrived in the entrance hall.

"Do you mind if I leave you here? I really have to go now."

"Yes, I think I can handle the stairs by myself. Thank you, and good luck with whatever you're up to."

"Thank you. Have a good morning." When he's almost arrived at the door, he turns around again.

"By the way, I don't think you look that bad. A little bit of sleep and you're as fresh as morning dew again." I smile at him. Now I feel a little bit better, and it doesn't bother me so much to go back to bed again.

Gaaah! Nearly fell out of bed at the sight of Remus sitting next to my bed. Not that he looks so frightening, but he's never come to my room here, and I just wasn't prepared for a visit. (Naturally, since I was asleep.) Anyway, he seemed a little peeved about my reaction, but after I apologized with loads of words and little sense in them, he started laughing.

"It's okay, Tonks. I didn't wake you though, did I? Because if I did, Molly will kill me for disturbing your precious sleep."

"I don't think it was you who woke me. So, your little errand already finished? That was quick, huh?" I asked.

"If you call 8 hours quick, it was. Those stupid goblins were so stubborn again. I just got back and wanted to see if you've already greyed with boredom."

"I slept for 8 hours? Wow!"

"It sure was good for you. As Molly would say, you've got a little colour on your cheeks again. Are you feeling better?"

"I'm feeling great! I could take on the world right now!"

"Sorry, Molly forbid all world-ontaking-actions. But what about some tea?" I nodded, though I'm not particularly fond of tea, but didn't want to insult him, and he went down to the kitchen. He came back with a plate of delicious looking chocolate chip cookies and a big mug of cocoa.

"Your favourite, isn't it?" He asked as he handed me the steaming chocolate.

"Yes. I can't help it, I've got a sweet tooth."

We spent the next hour talking. He updated me about everything he'd done, heard and seen today, which was really sweet, since I absolutely hate not to know what's happening. We were interrupted when a very upset Fred (or George) Weasley burst into the room.

"Here you are, Remus! Everyone's been looking for you. We already worried you'd been eaten by the goblins."

"I'm alright, just spent Tonks a little company."

"That's nice of you. How are you today, Tonks?"

"Much better. I've slept all afternoon. I think I'm ready for business again."

"Well, you better not tell mum, she'll lock your door and put up apparition-wards when she hears that. Anyway, Remus, Moody wants to talk to you. I can take over Tonks."

"But don't wear her out too much."

"Remus, if you start fretting over me like Molly, you're not allowed in my room anymore."

Remus laughed and walked out on the search of Moony.

After the twin (who turned out to be George) had showed me his newest inventions, the rest of the day passed in boredom. Read a few pages of that awful romance novel someone brought along for me, then fell asleep again – thank god! Really, life is too boring to be awake.

A/N: Please forgive me for any eventual mistakes, for English is not my mother tongue. I hope you liked the story – there's more to come. Right now, I'm writing July 15th. So, encourage me and send reviews!


	2. Startling discoveries

_June 25th, Tuesday_

_Startling discoveries: 1; events we all awaited for a year that finally arrived: 1; hours spent crying: 2; hours spent walking down memory lane: 3; butterbeers (to cheer me up and distract from memory lane): 9; butterbeers I threw up again: 9; body temperature: 39; people fretting over me: 3 (one more person comes in to lecture me about the stupidity of drinking butterbeer when sick, and I'll cry); mysterious heirlooms from dead cousin: 1_

Day already started out bad, with said event and said startling discovery. Woke up by the sound of an owl tapping on my window. Let her in and untied a very official looking letter. Came from a London attorney in the name of Black and told me that my cousin Sirius Black, whose name had been cleared this spring, had mentioned me in his will. Enveloped copy of said will didn't tell me anything, for it was written in this complicated official language I never seem to get. But there was a letter along with it, and when I opened it, I nearly fell out of bed.

**Dear Tonks,**

It read

**When you get this, I'll be dead. If I'm dead and you don't get this, then you're dead too. In case any of this happens, I just want you to know you're my favourite cousin. I really enjoyed spending time with you here, and you, knowing my family, could understand what I felt here in this house. I have to say that I admire your work for the order, and your willingness to give so much instead of amusing yourself with things others your age would approve of. Still, don't work too much. Go out from time to time, and get yourself a nice man who really deserves you. Meanwhile, to help you relax, I'll leave you something that always gave me peace and new power: My secret garden. (Yes, I'm a little mad, but not completely off my rocker.) You'll find its location from my room, that I tell you, and to open it, you just have to conjure up a single flower and place it at the entrance, once you've found it. You're free to spend as much time there as you want, and also free to invite friends. The rule to be there is: Don't talk about business, and don't worry. **

**That's it, sweet little cousin. I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me, and remind you that heaven exists, and we'll meet there again one day. **

**Kisses, hugs, and all the love I sometimes failed to give you, your (meanwhile dead) cousin Sirius**

That was what did it. The nonchalant way he talked about his death, but also his assurance that we would meet again broke my last bit of countenance. I broke down on my bed crying. I sobbed into my pillows for what seemed eternity, everything inside me clutching together to a tight ball of hate, anger, sadness, fear and despair. Someone came in at some point to comfort me, and I sunk into his arms thankfully. After I could talk again I noticed that it was Remus whose robes I'd just effectively ruined by sobbing all over them, and explained to him what I'd gotten. He was so understanding and comforted me, even though he sure was shocked by his best friend's will.

"You know, I've got a letter too. You probably already read it in the will." I remember seeing his name in there, but didn't understand in which relation.

"Actually, I didn't understand what it said about you, and was too occupied with the letter to properly read the will."

"It says that he left me and Harry the house to the same parts, though of course it remains the order headquarter. Along with that, he left me his personal property and the responsibility for Harry. The Black family fortune goes to the Weasleys, and you got this letter. Did it contain information about anything?"

"Yes, he left me his "secret garden". Whatever that is."

"His secret garden… I think I heard him mention something about it once, but he never showed us. It was very precious to him."

"The letter says I have to find the entrance to it in his room. That was the place he hated most about this house!"

"I know. It's so sad that he had to be locked in here. He loved his freedom."

"I know. He told me once that he only felt fully free when on his broom or his motorbike."

"I wonder what happened to that thing…?"

"I'm not so sure, but I heard Dumbledore mention something about Hagrid. By the way, what happens to buckbeak?"

"He'll stay here, of course. He's practically the mascot of the order." Thinking about how Sirius escaped from Hogwarts on the hippogriff once made me cry again. Remus gathered me in his arms again. He's really comforting and warm, and he was speaking to me in a soft, gentle voice. After I'd calmed down again, we talked about Sirius, about what he'd done and how he was. I already started crying again, when Remus brought up his hand, wiped away my tears and said:

"Don't cry now. The mourning is over. Sirius would want us to remember him, but he wouldn't want us to cry, but laugh and think about the good times. And that's what we'll do now." He sat on the bed, and we talked for hours. It was so great. Remus told me things I never knew, and some of the stories of their pranks made me laugh so hard I almost fell off the bed. When he told me about the Potters' wedding, I had to cry again at his description of Lily's and James' joy.

"Hey, what did I say about the crying?"

"I'm not crying out of sadness. This is wedding crying, that's allowed. Women cry about weddings, it's only natural." I remember meeting Lily when I was about six years old or so. To me, she was the most beautiful woman I ever met. I ran around with red hair for weeks after that. When Lily heard about that, she sent me a muggle toy called "Barbie". It had long black hair like my natural hair, and I simply loved it. She wrote me a letter with it, in which she told me that everyone always seemed to want to look like someone else, and that her dream had been tanned skin, brown hair and freckles. I kept the letter, and later in puberty when I was extremely self-conscious about my looks, I found it and read it again. It immensely helped me, though it was sad to think that this nice, gorgeous young woman was dead. I've still got it. Thinking about Lily and James made me realize how many dear people Remus had already lost.

"Just imagine how different your life would be if they were still alive." I blurted out. I immediately regretted it as a dark curtain seemed to go down before his eyes. He stood up briskly and his voice was cold when he spoke again.

"There's no use asking what if. What happened, happened, and we have to take it as it is."

"Yes, but we don't have to pretend that it doesn't matter to us. We don't always have to be strong. I know it's hard for you, Remus, so it's okay to let your guard down from time to time. No one thinks you're less strong if you do so."

"I don't know what you're talking about, and it seems to me as if you don't know, either. You should go back to sleep now." With that, he walked away stiffly. I could have slapped myself. He had opened up once, talked to me, and then I had to go and say something stupid only to have him shut up again. Why do I always do these things? Every time it's going well, The Queen of clumsiness has to go and ruin it all again. I was angry at myself for another ten minutes before the anger turned into frustration, then sadness as I thought of all the dead people and the loved ones they left behind alone, like Harry and Remus. I started crying again, so I decided to go down and get me something to drink to cheer me up.

One hour later:

In my room feasting on butterbeer. Mood is already a bit lighter, whereas stomach feels heavier. Shit, no more butterbeer left. Think I'll go down to the kitchen and get me some more. While I'm out of bed, might as well go visit Remus and do something to cheer him up. (Am thinking along the lines of a lap dance or something like that).

_Later:_

Never got to his room. The moment I got to the stairs everything went all blurry. I didn't even have time to sit down before I started throwing up violently. I hate throwing up. I would consider myself a strong woman, but as soon as I start choking, I want to call for my mum. Unfortunately, she was nowhere around, so I just screamed. A lot of things happened at the same time. Molly and Moody came storming out of the kitchen, wands drawn, Remus shot out of his room, Mrs. Black started screaming her head off, and I doubled over and rolled down the stairs. I was stopped by three freezing spells that were thrown at me at the same time. The next thing I remember, I was in Remus' arms (again) and he was carrying me to my room. Then all hell aka Molly's wrath broke lose. She had obviously seen the empty butterbeer bottles, which made her blow up completely. She lectured me for a full fifteen minutes (how on earth did the twins live to get eighteen years old?) and then started fretting over me. As soon as she stopped, Moody started ranting about how worried they were, how they had thought I'd been attacked, how incredibly stupid it had been of me to go and get myself drunk while my stomach wasn't even able to digest solid food yet, and how it had taken him ten minutes to shut up Mrs Black's portrait. By the time he ran out of new things to say and just repeated Constant vigilance over and over, Molly had finished examining me for inner injuries and cleaning my room. She tucked the blankets around me so tightly I wasn't able to move anymore.

"I won't put a sobering charm on you. It serves you right to get a bad hangover for the fright you caused us." With that, she and Moody left the room, while Remus emptied a chair of my dirty laundry (embarrassment alert!) and sat down on my bedside.

"Why did you do it?" I refused to answer. By now, all my anger concentrated on him. He was the one who had upset me in the first place, and he was the reason why I'd gone out in the hall. Besides, I was afraid I would throw up again as soon as I opened my mouth.

"Listen, Nymphadora…"

"Don't you Nymphadora me!" Yep, opening my mouth was a mistake. I shot up into a sitting position, bent over and vomited into the bucket Molly had conjured up wisely. It seems I don't do anything else these days. Remus steadied my back and dried my forehead with a washcloth, which was kinda sweet and would've made me forgive him, hadn't I been occupied otherwise. When I was finished, he wiped my face and conjured up a glass of water. While I was drinking and therefore unable to stop him, he spoke up.

"Listen, Tonks, I'm really, really sorry for what I did. I didn't mean to be so harsh. It's just that you were right, and that I have to let my guard down from time to time. But I can't. I stopped crying years ago, and since then, I don't let anything touch me… I'm just not used to opening up. This was the first time I openly talked about Sirius, and you really helped me, but when you told me the truth, it seemed as if you pitied me, and I can't stand pity. I'm sorry for how I treated you. Please forgive me."

Accepted his apology, of course. Wouldn't want to lose a friend like him just because of truth. Besides, found that it is really hard to resist these grey eyes when they look at you all pleadingly.


	3. Someone needs a boyfriend

_June 26th, Wednesday_

_Hours spent crying: ½; startling discoveries: 0 (yay, finally a day in peace); meals that stayed in my stomach: 1 (big improvement); friends I scared away by getting too personal: 0; wonderful hours passed in Sirius' secret garden: 5;_

This is gonna be my day. Only improvements, had solid food for the first time in four days and did nothing stupid. Very innocently got up, had breakfast with the others (nice porridge slime that actually tasted better than it looked; apparently it helped the Weasley children through every stomachache they ever had) and then started looking for Sirius' heirloom. Spent hours knocking conjured up flowers into the wall. Also spent four flowers until I finally touched a small rose embroidered in the tapestry beside Sirius' bed with my fifth and already pretty crumpled gardenia. The tapestry changed into a wooden door tat led to a garden – and what a beautiful one. It was a bit savage, just like Sirius, but only in the back corners. The time I spent exploring it was the half hour I cried, by the way. I had to. It resembled Sirius' character in so many ways. He had already taken care of most of it. Apparently, this had been what he had occupied himself with in the long boring hours he spent trapped in this house. The garden is charmed to replay the weather outside, and it was so warm that I spontaneously changed into my bathing suit and conjured up a deckchair. First decent sunbath in months. Sirius, I love what you left me. (Though I'd love it even more if you'd have given it to me personally and were now sitting here beside me in your Hawaii shorts and black sunglasses.) I guess you can't have everything. Was just dosing off when I heard someone come out (or in?) behind me. It was Remus. I happily told him what Sirius had left me and showed him around, but when we came to a spot of lupines in the back of the garden, he stuttered something about having to leave on order business and rushed back into the house. Went back inside to get me something to drink and a book, and then settled for some comfortable reading and tanning again. After a while remembered that I don't actually have to tan, I just have to think about tan skin and I'll look like four weeks Mallorca, but still it is great. Went down to get me some dinner, where I met Molly. Invited her to join me in my personal solarium, and we talked and tanned for the next hour until Molly had to be off again. All in all, was a great day. Stayed out until it was almost dark, then conjured away my deckchair and went to bed.

_Later:_

Woke up to the sound of my door creaking. Grabbed my wand and was ready to shoot a spell at the intruder, when I heard someone whisper:

"Nymphadora, are you still up?"

"Not exactly Remus, but now I am. What's the matter?"

"I can't sleep." Now he very much resembled a little boy with nightmares, so I tried that guess.

"Did you have a nightmare?" He sounded surprised.

"No, I just couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to you."

"About what?"

"About Sirius, of course. You told me to open up, so I'll try that now." Cast a lighting charm and guided him over to sit on my bed, then turned off the light again and he began to speak. Apparently he found it easier to speak with the lights off, too. He told me things about his condition this last year that really frightened me, for example about the first full moon after Sirius' death and how he'd briefly considered not taking his wolfsbane potion and then going to kill Bella in his wolf form. When he got to the thing that I'd already so kindly pointed out, which would be him being all alone now, his voice cracked. I didn't get it at first, but then I understood that he must be crying.

"Remus, are you all right?" He didn't respond, only let out a low whimper, so I searched for him in the dark and pulled him into my arms. He cried into my shoulder for what seemed like hours, and I was both amazed at how many tears a single person could shed and at the fact that he wanted to shed them on my nightgown. I pulled him nearer and settled in a more comfortable position, and he cried on for a long time, until he was finally too tired to shed any more tears.

"May I sleep in your room?" He asked shyly.

"Of course." Lifted the bedcovers for him to crawl in. He hesitated a moment before he shrugged and laid down beside me. Quickly remembered locking the door in case Molly would come in to bring me breakfast the next morning. We lay there in awkward silence, until I figured that now I had a man in my bed for the first time in ages might as well make the best of it. No, not what you think! Just snuggled a bit closer and placed my head on his chest. He put an arm around me, pulled me to him and gave me a kiss on the head.

"Thanks." While I had been very tired just a minute ago, was now tingling all over and not at all tired anymore, whereas Remus fell asleep within minutes. Listened to his steady breathing for a while until I finally fell asleep. Felt still not tired, but warm and safe and cozy. Figured I really need a boyfriend.


	4. Morning has broken

_June 27th, Thursday_

_Hours spent crying: 0 (yes!); hours spent tanning in the garden: 5; hours spent snuggled up beside Remus: 5; hours spent watching Remus sleep while pretending to read: 2 ½; solid meals that stayed in my stomach: 2 (Yay, aother improvement for 100 per cent); hours spent walking around in the rain: 1; articles of clothing ruined by doing so: 3_

Woke up at the crack of dawn (7 o'clock according to my muggle clock), all warm and in Remus' arms tightly. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think I fell asleep in this position. Was now with my back to him on my side, his arms slung around my belly, his face buried in my hair (my natural one, always jump back to natural when feeling completely at ease). Felt so good that, even though couldn't fall asleep again, stayed in bed for a few more minutes. Had to go to the loo at nine, though.

Returned and found I couldn't sleep anymore, so I just grabbed a book and climbed into bed. Another advantage at having a man in your bed: It doesn't get cold while you're at the loo.

Noticed it was yet another stupid romance novel, but tried to read it anyway. By the time I'd gotten past the initial description of the heroine's beauty and miserable situation, being an orphan raised by a strange old lady who forced her to make pottery all the time and sell them on the market, was so terribly revolted by the book I threw it at the wall. It landed with a loud thud, and I was afraid I could've woken Remus, 'cause that would end in him getting up, and that's the last thing I wanted. Watched him for a while. He looked really calm and peaceful, and the best I'd seen him in months. There were no crinkles, no sorrowful frown on his forehead, no dark circles under his eyes. He was just sleeping, and I had the suspicion he hadn't slept so much in months. Usually he is the last one to go to bed, and the first one up, and since his room is next to mine, I can often hear him get up in the middle of the night, sometimes pacing around for hours. So it's really a miracle that he has slept now for almost ten hours straight. Yay, am wonderful sleep witch that radiates so much warmth and love and comfort that people can sleep well around me. Started making plans for how to use that, then decided I would provide this special service only to Remus. Realized this sounds strange.

Kept watching him for a little while - about three hours or so… Some time, I got up and picked up the book to have an excuse in case he would wake up. Didn't want to look like an idiot staring at him. Even if I am. He doesn't need to know.

At twelve I became aware of my grumbling stomach. Got up to see if I could get myself something to eat. Met Molly in the kitchen, preparing some soup.

"Good morning Tonks, did you sleep until now?"

"No, I already woke up at seven, but I stayed in bed reading. Is there anything to eat here?"

"I made some soup. You can eat it here, or take something up with you."

"Yeah, that would be better." I poured me some coffee, and Molly started rummaging for a smaller pot, chatting lightly, obviously happy to have some company.

"Have you heard anything from Remus yet?" Flinched and dropped my mug. Molly cleaned it up with a quick swish of her wand.

"I mean, he hasn't come to breakfast, and I haven't seen him today, but I don't think he's away. Could you be a darling and see if he's in his room? And when you find him, send him down. He has to eat something, that man is getting thinner and thinner." I nodded, knowing very well that Remus wasn't in his room. Then I had an idea.

"You know, I could bring some soup up for him, too."

"That's a good idea. Maybe he's sick or something, then he doesn't have to get up." She poured some more soup into the pot, then handed it to me along with two plates and spoons and a small bread.

"Please be careful on the stairs, dear.", she reminded me. Nodded and hurried out of the kitchen.

When I entered my room, found that Remus was still there. Was very relieved and watched him some more. He's actually not bad looking. Not the stunningly handsome type that Sirius was, but there's a mature attractiveness to him. He looks younger now that his face has smoothed, and the way his hair falls into his face makes him look both boyish and vulnerable. All of a sudden, his eyes snapped open and he shot up, looking around confused. I left him a moment to retrieve his memory.

"Good morning, Remus. Did you sleep well?" He obviously remembered where he was, or why he was here, and fell back into the pillows, yawning widely.

"I slept wonderful. The best in months. I actually feel as if I had a full night's sleep again."

I couldn't help but giggle.

"Actually, you slept for 13 hours straight."

"I did what! That's impossible, I never sleep more than five hours."

"I think you just broke your own record. Care for lunch? I brought up some soup."

"Of course. I love having breakfast – or lunch – in bed." I walked over and settled on the bed comfortably while he started pouring soup into the plates. We ate quietly for awhile.

"Thank you for letting me sleep here. I don't know why, but it really helped me calm down." I smiled at him.

"Anytime."

"Actually, I think that would be awkward. I mean, okay, we're only friends, but I can't sneak out and sleep in your bed all the time. Someone would notice, and the others would start talking. "

"Actually, it was more like a polite "anytime"." No it wasn't. I would let him sleep here every night for the rest of my life. I've never felt this good. Sigh.

"Sure, sure. Well, I think I'll go get ready and see what I have to do today." Utter admiration changed to raging envy in a matter of seconds. It's so unfair that I can't do anything but sit and wait around here.

Well, might as well go to the garden.

It's raining. Might go out and try to get myself sick. At least then people would start fretting over me again, and I wouldn't be so bored.

Spent an hour dancing in the rain, then got bored and went in again to take a bath. Maybe I could do this muggle thing called wellness, mix myself a face mask, light scented candles and charm some objects to massage me. That would be nice.

Couldn't find any of the things I needed. This is after all a men's household, and the things Molly brings along are usually practical and connected to food. Couldn't think of any spells to transfigure some spoons or cookies into scented candles. Really, life sucks.

Will go to bed, even though it's empty and cold.


	5. Assorted chocolates

_June 27th, Thursday_

_Men in bed: 0; hours spent in the garden: 7; hours spent eating: 3; hours being bored: 12; boxes of WWW assorted chocolates: 1 and a half; times transfiguring into some animal: 17; _

_Startling discoveries: 1_

Wow! Made a startling discovery! I just opened my calendar to check on some birthdays when I saw Sirius' birthday and –year. I did a little math, and found out, that the father/daughterly relationship is definitely out of question for Remus and me. Brother/sister relationship's still possible. But what's also possible has nothing to do with family bonds. Not at all. I see, you get the picture.

Spent the day in the garden trying out the sweets from Fred and George. After a morning of reading in bed, I was so bored that I did a little dance every time a truffle turned out to be charmed and transfigured me in any way. Didn't see anything of Remus the whole day. Was a little sad about that. Am now lying in bed, tossing and turning, and definitely not hoping the door will open and Remus will walk in, announcing that he can't sleep. Ah, who am I kidding. I would so love to spend the night in his arms. Even the sound of it makes my heart melt.

Decided to get up and go outside into the garden to get some fresh air. When I stepped out, I was surprised to see that someone was already standing there. Molly was gazing up at the stars. I'd told her how to open the door, since Sirius' letter said I could also invite friends if I wanted to.

"Hey Molly, why are you still up?"

"I'm worried about Remus. According to Dumbledore, he went on a mission to talk to some werewolves in a colony up north. I owled Dumbledore, and he said it was alright if Remus hasn't returned yet, for these diplomatic missions sometimes take several days, but I'm still worried."

"I wonder why he didn't tell anyone here."

"You know him, Tonks, he never talks about anything, especially if it could worry people."

"Apparently it never occurred to him how not telling people anything could worry them just as much."

"He's just so bloody stubborn." I looked at her, dumbfounded. Molly cursing?

"You know, your children would've gotten soap in their mouths for saying that…"

"Well, sometimes a mother has to let off some steam. Everything around here would be much easier if we weren't so many Gryffindors."

"I'm sorry? What do you mean by that?"

"They're all so awfully brave and stubborn, proud and noble and stupid, rushing from one danger into the next without telling anyone anything, because they don't want to endanger the others. But they, being Gryffindors as well, immediately go after their friends and try to save them and end up getting hurt. It's a neverending circle. We're never going to achieve anything if we stay such an emotional bunch, rushing headfirst into dangerous situations. I don't want to blame everyone else but me, I know I'm just the same. Look at Severus, he's the only one who's able to stay cool. If we'd all stayed calm as he did last year when Harry had that vision of Sirius, maybe Sirius would still be alive and Harry wouldn't feel so guilty."

"You don't blame Harry for rushing to Sirius' help, do you?"

"No. He's still young, and doesn't know better. But we should, Tonks, we're the grown-ups, the examples… I'm proud of my children, proud that they're Gryffindors and brave and noble, but I don't want them to die because of that."

"They won't, Molly. They're also clever."

"But their bravery outweighs their wits by far. I'm already counting down to Ron's and Harry's birthday, for as soon as they're seventeen, they'll join the order. And after that, there's Ginny. Up until now, when I watched my other children grow up, Ginny and Ron were always in the back of my mind, reminding me that not all my children have grown up yet, that the babies are still there to watch over. But even Ginny, my sweet little girl, has gone through more than she should have at her age, and still hasn't given up. No, her stupid Gryffindor bravery has stayed, and as soon as she turns 17 she'll join the order, and I won't have a single minute in peace anymore. I'll spend my days at home in front of the family clock, praying that the fingers don't point to death or mortal peril. They're always so busy being brave and fighting for their ideals that they forget there are people worrying about them. They forget that their old mother is sitting at home and wants nothing more than for them to come home." Didn't know what to say to that. People seem to love to open up to me lately. Molly usually never talks about her own problems, she's always busy helping one or the other of her kids. Or someone from the order. In a way, she's the mother of the order. She's the one you go to when you're sick, or hungry, and probably when you've got a heartache, too.

"You know, from this point on, it's their decision what they want to make out of their lives. And that's good. You've always watched over them, encouraged them, and now they have to make the rest alone. But you've been a great mother, really. They're lucky to have you. We all are." I hugged her. I believe there are situations when a warm embrace can do more than all the words in the world.

"Thank you, Tonks. You know, everyone thinks you're clumsy and do all the wrong things at the wrong time, but they're wrong. When the right moment comes, you can do the right thing." That made me really proud and happy. We hugged again shortly and then went back in together. Went straight to bed and fell asleep within two minutes. I can continue worrying tomorrow.


	6. Trying to count

_June 29th, Saturday_

_Hours spent worrying: countless; hours spent waiting for Remus to return: countless; times asking Molly if she knew anything about Remus yet: countless; mental images of Remus bleeding to death in a dark forest or being captured by Death Eaters: countless… why do I even try counting? Oh, here's an easy one: times having seen Remus around the house since yesterday: 0. Gosh, I'm freaking out, I really am._

Spent the morning looking for Remus in every room I dared to enter. There are still some that aren't completely cleaned out yet, and I don't want to stumble across a boggart. Stupid thing would probably show me Remus dead. I don't know why I'm so obsessed all of a sudden. I mean, he goes out on order missions every day, and I've never really cared before. And I know for example that right now, Hagrid is trying to contact the giants once more, which puts him in more danger than Remus, but I'm not freaking out over Hagrid, am I? Must be the fact that I'm so bored, my brain cells are probably already starting to die.

After lecturing myself for running all over the house (not in search of Remus of course!), I decided to stay put in one place for the rest of the afternoon. Settled for the entrance door, where I could stop every single member of the order who entered the house and ask them about… things.

You guessed right: No news from Remus. Kingsley Shacklebolt finally dragged me into the kitchen at eight, saying that it was absolutely no use worrying about Remus when he might as well be gone for at least two days or longer, and that I shouldn't get myself all worked up about a routine mission.

Went to bed and tried distracting myself with another stupid romance novel (slightly better than the last, though, at least the heroine had her own income and did not work at the landlord for food and logis.).

Guess if I managed!

A/N: Please, review! I'm pretty new at this, so I'd appreciate your help.


	7. Failing to count

_June 30th, Sunday_

_Things I've already failed to count yesterday: countless; things that are still easy to count: 1,_ _which would be Remus at Grimmauld Place: still zero. (I sorta expressed that strangely. Let me explain: Remus is still not here or has sent message, and I'm still worried sick.)_

Molly noticed something was wrong with me, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. I can't even formulate it myself. It's just too new and complicated, my recent closeness to Remus, and the deepening of my feelings towards him (that sounded strange. Actually, it sounded like something Remus would have said.) and all that. There's just this whole mess of emotions going on, what with us being friends and talking about important stuff, but then again he slept in my bed and it felt so good and I can't forget it ever since, but he's so much older and there's a war going on and I'm going completely nutters!

Later:

Had to slam you shut and storm out into the garden. I was just so confused. I still am. But I'll put it off in the back of my mind and go down to help Molly clean. Or cook. Or do whatever will keep my mind off…I won't say the name. You can guess anyway.

A/N: I know, it's awfully short. I'm sorry. Still, I'd love to get some reviews.

Chizuran, BaskervilleBeauty, Nicky, starnat, LupinLover88, crazyturtle – thanks for your support and reviews!


	8. Blood and silliness

_July 1st, Monday_

_Things that actually matter enough to count them: 0;_

Remus is back. That's the good news. But I'll just tell from the start. I was getting up as late as possible (which was ten o'clock, since I've slept so much recently there's just not enough tiredness left), preparing for another day of complete dullness and worrying.

It was. Until five pm, when I heard a scratching sound at the front door and opened to have a bleeding lump fall into my arms. Turns out it was Remus, yay! (If you could hear me now, you would detect a note of false cheeriness in my voice.) My head was completely calm and collected, while my mouth started screaming for Molly, my Mum, God, anyone…Molly heard me first and together, we managed to drag Remus up to his room and pull him back together again. After we'd removed all the blood and stopped the bleeding, we discovered several deep cuts right across his chest and bruises all over his upper body. I cried the whole time while we placed healing charm after healing charm on him and bandaged him all up. When we were ready, we looked like butchers. Molly had flopped into an armchair, but stood back up after only a minute.

"I have to change and make dinner, everyone will eat here before the meeting tonight. Can you stay here and watch out?" I nodded, thankful that she tried to give me an alibi for staying by his bed while knowing I would've done so anyway.

And I stayed. Until it got dark outside, until the meeting was over and people came in quietly to see Remus, until the house became quiet. Thousands of questions shot through my head, not only about what happened to Remus, but also what is wrong with me. Ever since this last week, I've started seeing him with different eyes. Before, he was just this friend from the order, someone you could talk to about a lot of things until late at night, someone you could sit by the fire with, drink cocoa and just be quiet. Someone who always seemed to know everything you didn't understand, and always tried to explain. Someone you admired for his skills, his wit, his calm and strength. He was definitely not someone who was crying on your shoulder, or letting you cry. Not someone about whose body you thought. Most definitely not someone you slept together in one bed with. Not someone who planted these weird romantic feelings in your head. Everything has blown up around me. So here I am now, sitting at a sick friend's bedside, worried sick, thinking about if maybe there's more to that friend than I ever expected. Finally fell asleep, curled up in the armchair, my head still spinning with all the thoughts and questions.

Jerked awake when Remus croaked out my name, and was beside him in a split second. Had to restrain from throwing my arms around his neck, which would have probably killed him, weak as he still was. He couldn't properly talk yet, but after I'd given him some water, he seemed to be a bit better.

"So, what happened to you? Gave us quite a fright when you arrived here."

"Well, I was getting in contact with some of the hermit werewolves up north. It went good so far, and we were this close to signing a contract, binding them to us, when the ministry banned a werewolf who was said to have bitten a child without any safe evidence. So they got a little angry, and then a bunch of death eaters arrived and managed to turn the werewolves' wrath against me. Let's just say there was some nasty duelling."

"How did you get those cuts?"

"The favourite spell of the leader of the group was the Gladius spell. Enables you to use your wand like a sword. And let me tell you, that one was a quick swordsman. How were things here?"

"Nothing special, you know, just hanging around, worrying about you…"

"Why did you worry? You knew I could have been away for several days."

"No, we didn't. We usually don't know much. Maybe Dumbledore knows everything that goes on here, but most of us don't. And people who are not allowed to go to the meetings don't know much either. I just wish you'll be forbidden to go to the meetings, too. It serves you right for causing me so much worry." Started crying again, this time because I was so angry, but that made me even more angry, because I was embarrassed in front of Remus. He took my hands in his.

"I'm sorry if I've caused you so much sorrow, Nymphadora. I didn't want to, and I appreciate you caring about me. But you have to understand that I can't let everyone in on my missions. The fewer people know about it, the safer it is. Promise me you will never get yourself so worked up because of me again. I'm not worth it."

"Yes you are!" Completed my impression of a silly little girl by finally throwing myself into his arms. Managed to do so without hurting him, though. But when his arms closed around me and he hugged me tightly against his chest, everything was forgotten. I was so glad that he was here again.

Later 

Am in my room, hiding. Snape and a bunch of other order members came in to check on Remus and found me embracing him, sobbing hysterically. Let out a shriek when I noticed them and ran out of the room into my room. Geez, you should think I'm used to embarrassing myself, but this was just horrible. How can I ever look into Snape's eyes again? Or Remus' for that matter?


	9. No more worries

_July 2nd, Tuesday_

_Minutes spent worrying about Remus: 0 (ladies and gentlemen, I think we're heading towards a new trend…), persons of the order I tried to avoid because they saw my very embarrassing display of childish affection for Remus: 7; times I knocked something over because I ran into Snape and he smirked at me knowingly: 4; times I embarrassed myself in general: countless._

Right in the middle of hiding under my covers in shame, I fell asleep. Slept straight through until very early this morning. First thing on my mind this morning was: He's back! Practically jumped out of bed and ran over to his room. Of course he was still sleeping, which was a good thing. My concern for his health was so big that I actually managed to back out of his room after a while without knocking anything over and waking him up. Went back to bed for a little while. Had to make a little detour to get back to my room because Snape just came up the stairs and I absolutely couldn't bring myself to face him. I should, though. I mean, I'm 26, it's not like I have to explain myself to him. I've let that git mock me for long enough, I think it's time to show him the strong, independent, devil-may-care side of me.

Panicked at the sight of the sneer on his face and ran up the stairs to hide in the attic with buckbeak. Well, I've wanted to visit him for a while now.

_Later_

The best thing has happened: Remus has to stay here and recover for at least a week. One whole week where I won't be the only sick, bored outcast, yay! One week I get to spend in Remus' company and get to know him better. Oh, this is going to be so great! I'm not at all sorry for him. Serves him right for not telling me anything. But, yay, one whole week with Remus.

Now that I know he'll be here all week, I don't know what to do. Should I go to his room and suggest we play little thinking games? Or tell each other stories from our childhood? I just don't know where to begin with the "getting to know Remus"–plan.

Well, comes time, comes wisdom.

A/N: I know, this is short again, but I decided that there should only be one entry for each update, so one chapter is one day in Tonks' life. Sorry, but I just think it makes sense this way. Still, thank you all for sticking with me and Tonks.

As I expected, the age discussion finally came up. Well, I think James and Lily married some time after graduation and got Harry at about 20 or 21, so that makes Remus 36 or 37 now. But for those of you who think Remus is about 50 – how do you get that age? I mean, he's the same age as Harry's parents, and I think they can't be older than maximum 25, because in canon we learn that Harry has got pictures of his parents showing a young couple with a baby, so they had them when they were still pretty young. I made Tonks a little bit older: She's described as "some years" older than Harry – I made that ten, so Tonks is 26 and therefore the age difference between her and Remus is 10 years, maybe 11. When Tonks says "he's ten years older than me", she didn't count the months, it's just a rough statement. I think in canon it would be slightly more, like 13 or 14 years, but it works better for my fic.

I think the age difference between Sirius and Andromeda was rather large. It could've been about 15 years.

And thanks again to all of you who sent reviews – thank you! You are great!


	10. The nature of wellbeing

_July 3rd, Wednesday_

_Gravely injured friends falling through the front door: 0; hours spent listening to Remus': 0; new things I learnt about him: 0; bars of chocolate eaten out of pure boredom: 3 ¼._

My fabulous quality time with Remus started by not starting at all. That's right, he hasn't woken up yet. Spent the morning at his bedside, trying to gently wake him up using telepathy, but it didn't work. So around lunchtime I went down to see if Molly was there, but the whole house was completely abandoned. Seems as if everyone's out there doing important stuff while I'm stuck here with an injured, sleeping werewolf!

I so want to be out there right now. Things are heating up since Voldemort somehow manages to get his cronies out of Azkaban. The ministry officially acknowledged his return and announced the fight against him. Ministry officials are out on the streets handing out brochures, attracting people to join the voluntary relief troups, or become Aurors. They're also preaching "stick together, don't be afraid, trust each other…". Would be a hell of a lot more effective if they started actually using Voldemort's name. _Shudder. _Still have to force myself to use it, even more so in writing. But still they're right. The reason why Voldemort had so much power the last time (even if I wasa childwhen Harry defeated him) was that people didn't stick together. They'd gotten paranoid, suspecting everyone around them to be a spy and therefore not asking for help. We just need tohave the strength and courage to stand up to him and tell him: "You won't get us that easily, Voldemort. Not this time. Because we are not afraid to fight and die for what we believe in." Because that's what everyone in the order would say if they were to ever face him. And it's the right thing, the only thing to say. Freedom is worth fighting for, even if only a handful of people survive to live freely it was worth it. We have to fight for the future of our children. If I ever have any, that is. It's not as if I have a love life… My last boyfriend dumped me three years ago, saying I would work too much. At least that was a new excuse. Usually they dumped me saying it creeped them out to be with someone and not know how they looked. Which is complete rubbish. It's not as if I don't have a "natural" appearance. When I'm totally at ease, I usually go back to normal – or as normal as you can look with freakishly dark black eyes and hair.

Argh, thinking about my life like this makes me realize I'm really not satisfied. I should do something about that damn clumsiness and inability to maintain a deep, meaningful relationship. Meaning I need inner balance. I just don't know how. I read a book from Elizabelle Beauchamps once, a great witch who totally revolutionized the art of divination at the beginning of the last century. She said to regain inner balance you had to clean your aura. Searched for the book for quite some time until I found it in the bucket where we keep the old daily prophets in the living room. Apparently, clearing your aura isn't that difficult. You just have to take a bath with essential oils of myrtlap (urgh) and roses in a room facing north that is illuminated by lily-scented candles. To me it sounded a lot like this muggle wellness thing, and since I already want to try that out, I might as well clean my aura doing so. Which brings me to the problem how I get essential oils and scented candles without leaving the house and without knowing how to transfigure anything. Guess I have to wait till someone comes around and is willing to run to the drugstore and get me this wellness stuff. Spent the time waiting by reading on in the book. Couldn't help but get the impression that most of the things in the book are sentimental, esoteric bullshit. Great. Am turning into naïve new age person who believes in "How to…"-books. Oh honestly, how hard can it be to get a boyfriend and get over a little life crisis?

Made Emmeline, who arrived around five, buy me the candles and oil stuff anyway, since I was rather cold from sitting on the steps for hours.

Muggle wellness is great. Screw inner balance and clean auras, just get me some hot water, candles and butterbeer and everything looks much brighter.

After I came out of the bathtub all shrinky and crumply, snuck into Remus' room one last time. He was still asleep, but he definitely looked better by now. Placed a rose-scented candle into his room. Maybe it helps.

A/N: I know there's no Remus/Tonks interaction in here, but this fic is not only about Remus, but about all of Tonks' life and thoughts.Thanks for reading – and reviewing!

Nicky: Canon is what JKR wrote and said.


	11. Everybody loves breakfast

_July 4th, Thursday_

_Things I ate for breakfast: ham and egg, 1 helping; toast, 1 with orange marmalade, 1 with honey; 1 sausage, 1 croissant, 1 bar of chocolate, 2 glasses of orange juice, 2 ½ mugs of coffee… of course, it took us about three hours to eat all this stuff._

It did not help. When I checked in on Remus the next day, he was still asleep. The candle had burned down, and his room was rather stuffy, so I opened the window. When I walked past his bed, I couldn't help but sit down for a moment. I watched him breathe deeply, and brushed some greyish-brown strands of hair out of his face. All of a sudden, he jerked awake. Gosh, can't that man wake up slowly, like normal people do?

Still, it was nice to see these amazing grey eyes again. Sort of missed that. Even though his gaze was still a little blurred and confused. Couldn't help but sort of sink into the depths of his grey orbs for a little time. Might have been several minutes, because all of a sudden Remus was waving his hand in front of my face.

"Tonks, are you alright?" I nodded, only slowly coming back to the surface of - well, coherent thinking, I guess.

"Good. For a moment I was getting worried here. You seemed far, far away."

"Sorry. Got a little carried away there. Anyway, how are you? Feeling better?"

"Loads. In fact, the only desire I have at the moment is for an excessive breakfast." I snickered. Then I paled.

"Well, I would love to present you with one, but as it is, er, I … I can't cook." Blushed.

(Not to mention stuttered, but I guess that's obvious.) Remus just smiled and patted my hand.

"Tonks, we all know you can't cook, it's fine. But maybe you could check if Molly's there. And if she is, would you like to keep me company at breakfast? You might even get a few crumps." I smiled and jumped up.

"Of course. You'll have your toast and eggs and bacon and marmalade and juice feast in a minute."

"Not to forget a really strong coffee."

"Yes, coffee." I bustled out, dragging his cloak with me for a few feet until I managed to kick it off. And we're back to 100 Queen of Clumsiness. Though I noticed Remus watching me thoughtfully and smiling when I did my usual embarrassing stunts. Well, if I can help him get well by making a fool of myself, I'll gladly do it.

When I came back to his room, loaded with a picnic basket (Molly didn't trust me enough to give me a tray) full of the most delicious things, Remus' eyes lit up again.

"I'm starving. Sit down, let's have some nice breakfast in bed." I hesitated for a moment, but he scooted over for me to make room in the bed, and so I slipped under the cover and we indulged in hours of breakfast and talking.

No need to say that I was up on cloud number nine.

Which was not supposed to happen. Honestly, I don't know what's happening to me anymore.

A/N: Thank you so much for thereviews!

I need a little help with the rating. I've just put K because I'm not used to the new rating. I was used to the G, PG, R etc. system. If I want them to kiss or so, do I have to up the rating?


	12. To feel special

_July 5th, Friday_

_Times embarrassing myself in front of Remus: 1 (yay!); meals I burnt, cooked to jelly or made inedible in any other way: 4 ½ (the last portion of eggs was quite good, actually, if you like your eggs a bit more on thecrunchy sideand your ham with a raw edge to it)._

Just spent a nice time in the kitchen with Molly. She promised me she would try to teach me how to cook. That was nice of her, seeing as she doesn't have that much time, anyway, and as she'll be constantly cleaning up after me. I learned how to make breakfast: I can already do coffee (though we had to pour the first two cans down the drain, since they were so strong you could have reawakened the dead with them), toast and ham and eggs. I'm immensely proud of me.

Molly just told me the children will be arriving here on Sunday, even Hermione, whose parents have to attend some dentist conference. Harry had to go to the Dursleys, of course. Went straight up to Remus to tell him. And wake him up, by the way, so I can show him what I learned. I brought some samples of my new ability up to his room, after I've tested them on any signs of bitterness or burntness.

There weren't any, which caused Remus to praise my new cooking talents until I stumbled over a chair, fell down and dragged half of his closet down with me. The rest of the morning, I just sat on a chair and tried not to move.

Also told Remus that the children were to arrive soon.

"Thank God, finally there's someone to talk to."

He looked at me indignantly.

"Because now there's not a single person in the house you could talk to? What about me?"

"I know I can talk to you, and Molly, and the rest of the Order. I just need to talk to someone female and my age – well, compared to Molly and Emmeline. There are just things you can't talk about with Molly. With the order, I always have to be mature and grown-up and act older than I am, because I'm so much younger than you all. With the girls, I almost feel as if I were still a teenager myself." He looked at me pensively.

"I think I see what you mean. But, Nymph, you really don't have to act older than you are. We know you're younger, but we respect you no matter what. It's good that you're younger. Refreshing, somehow. We would all go mad and grey with sorrow if we didn't have your laughter and your clumsiness around. Please stay as you are." I blushed, for several reasons. First there was the fact that he'd made me a compliment. Second, he was looking at me intensely, and all of a sudden, I noticed again how close we were sitting together, and third, he'd just called me Nymph, something I've never been called before. It's a nice compromise between Tonks and my full name. I think I'll stick with that in the future. Or maybe, I'll only let him say it. Makes me feel special.

I know what you're thinking. Someone's got a little crush there. So what!

A/N: I upped the rating, just in case. I'm not sure how far I want them to go yet.


	13. Crush explosion

_July 6th , Saturday_

_Ways to wake Remus up I tried: 5 (knocking, calling, screaming, stealing his blanket and tickling him); new meals we learned to cook: 2 (spaghetti with tomato sauce and fruit yoghurt); games of chess I lost to Remus: 41 (out of 42 games played); games of exploding snap Remus lost to me: 15 (out of 15, so on the overall, I won!)_

Molly wasn't there today, so I couldn't continue my cooking lessons. Shame, really! I was really getting the hang of it.

So I read a few pages in my book, made a crossword puzzle and cleaned the bathroom without magic. That took up two hours, then it was 9.30 and I was bored to death. Spent most part of the morning checking if Remus was already awake. I know I should let him sleep, but I was bored. I really tried occupying myself, but I'd already done all there is to be done, and I'm not one of the most patient persons. I hoped Molly would show up around lunchtime, but instead, an owl delivered a package of food and a little booklet with recipes along with a note saying that I had permission to cook, but only under Remus' surveillance. At 11.30 I decided that I was hungry and should start cooking if I wanted to eat by noon, so I finally had a reason to wake Remus.

It wasn't as easy as I had imagined. First, I knocked on his door a few times. Then I tried calling through the door. Then stepping inside and calling again. Then standing beside his bed and screaming into his ear. Found out he wears oropax. Finally succeeded with a combination of screaming, tickling and stealing his covers. That last point turned out to be a huge mistake.

Remus is sleeping only in his pyjama bottoms (hadn't noticed that as of yet). And let me tell you, once he's not covered in blood, he's actually quite dishy. Of course, his chest is covered with scars and one last bandage. But he isn't quite as thin as he seems. Actually, his chest and upper arms are rather muscular. Just as I was standing there drooling over him, he woke up and decided to tickle me back. So we rolled around in his bed, laughing and giggling, and believe me when I say: it felt exactly as it sounds!

I am one lucky woman. I do not only get to spend all my time with the sweetest, smartest man I currently know (apart from my colleague Sharlene's baby boy Jack, but he plays in a totally different league), I also discover that he is rather handsome, and to top that, I get to totally feel him up.

Needless to say that my crush has totally exploded. Sigh

The cooking was another highlight of the day. Molly had sent us a recipe and a package with fresh ingredients. I would have liked to do grocerie shopping, but we're both not allowed to leave the house. Remus was a huge help, since he's already got some experience (of course, since he's been living on his own ten years longer than me), and we had a lot of fun. Still can't believe I managed to flirt (only friendly, of course) so much and still cook an edible meal consisting of three courses.

The rest of the day was spent in front of the fireplace playing chess and exploding snap. We quickly found out where our talents are: I'm really good with the fast, loud games, whereas Remus is more of a strategy person.

All in all a fabulously poetic day, filled with clichés coming true: Tickling in bed, cooking, and sitting in front of a fireplace. I'm on cloud number nine.

A/N: I don't imagine Remus to be like in the movie.No offence to David Thewlis, but he just looked too old. I mean, come on, 37 is not that old.


	14. What's your type?

_July 7th, Sunday_

_different looks I tried out for my and Remus' amusement: 13 sexy, 3 homey, 5 intellectual, 4 sporty, 1 ugly, 4 noble, 2 terrifying; huge embarrassing encounters in the hallway: 1 (but it was really terrifyingly embarrassing!)_

The fabulously romantic things Remus does won't stop. This morning, he came into my room and woke me up – with breakfast! Spent yet another morning together in bed (am beginning to get used to all these double-entendres), quietly reading the paper. Needless to say I was ecstatic. For a little while at least, then I got bored from the paper and started to watch Remus. Then he noticed me, and I had to distract him. Guess what? I settled for the tickling again. He's just so incredibly sexy, I have to take every chance I get at feeling him up.

After our daily cooking session (minestrone with fresh vegetables and lemon cream for dessert), we were slightly hesitant on what to do, until I had the idea to show Remus some of my metamorphmagus-styles. First, I did just some funny ones, like the zombie or the ugly old witch, but then I decided to do a little research. I wanted to find out what type of woman Remus liked. I tried tall blondes, petite brunettes, the sexy femme fatale as well as the motherly type (who turned out like a younger version of Molly Weasley), a sporty, tan girl in trekking clothes after the pale bookworm with thick glasses. He made some comments on my better creations, but mostly, he didn't say anything like "I'd marry that one right away." I was a little relieved about that. Even more so when he said:

"Promise me you'll never ever change into one of those women just to please a man. If he's supposed to like you, he should like your character, no matter in what appearance it comes today." I hugged him.

And then, after this perfect, perfect day, the disaster happened.

I took a bath, and on my way back, I ran into Remus in the hall. And when I say ran into him, I don't mean as in "waved to him from across the hall. I mean "rounded a corner and knocked full-force into him". I pulled him to the floor with me.You don'tget the title"Queen of Clumsiness" for nothing. But the worst was: I was wearing nothing but a towel. A fluffy pink towel, and a little towel turban in my hair. And of course the traitorous thing had to come off. (And I don't mean the one in my hair) So I was lying there on top of him practically naked. Of course, being the gentleman he is, he closed his eyes until I had rearranged myself, then helped me up and asked if everything was okay. And he didn't mention it again. But still. It was sooo embarrassing, I could have died right there on the spot. Still there was this little part of me that really enjoyed when his eyes danced over me for just the fraction of a second before he closed them, and again when I was fully dressed. I don't know why, and it sounds silly now that I actually write it down, but it made me feel very much like a woman – almost sexy. Okay, have to stop that now. I always thought me and Remus had a purely platonic relationship. These thoughts just don't fit in there.


	15. Obviously Lovelifeless

_July 8th, Monday_

_Startling experiences: 1 (honestly, you don't even have to leave this house to have loads of strange things happen to you); startling discoveries: 1; great talks I had with the girls: countless_

Whoa! Woke up very early this morning from a very weird dream. It was … well, it's a little difficult to say, since I'm really embarrassed, but… well, I sort of had a naughty dream. About Remus. There, I said it. It wasn't really naughty, just a little. It included only some snogging and indications on what was to come and then it went dark, sort of like they do in the movies, where you know they're going to get it on now, but you only see the snogging. It was … nice.

Okay, actually, it was so hot, I blushed to the roots and had to flee the kitchen when Remus came down this morning. Oh my God, this is so sad. I'm so obviously love-life-less that I start having fantasies about other order members who are ten years older and loads smarter than me and just happen to be stuck in the same house at the same time. Well, one order member. (Thank God! If it were several, that would only make things more complicated.)

He wouldn't even begin to think about me that way in ten years! He's so sophisticated, and smart, and funny, and gentle, and he's got so much experience with life. What would he want with a stupid little girl like me?

Amdepressed.

Not even Remus managed to get me out of my depression, although he tried. He made a delicious lunch, invited me to play chess with him and finally got someone to bring us ice-cream. It helped only a little, but every time he smiled at me or did something sweet, it was so cute it nearly ripped my heart out. Being in love sucks.

Since when am I in love?

_Later_

I just figured, I'm probably not in love. I only said that this morning, when I was still tired and confused from the dream. I'm just overreacting because I'm trapped in this stupid house with nothing to do and Remus as my only company. You start thinking too much about people when you see them all the time. Yes. That's what it is. I'm bored. Not in love. That would have been ridiculous, anyway. I haven't been in love for like four years. Or more. I don't think that last affair even counts as love.

Finally, the children have arrived, and I can have a long, nice chat with the girls and let them take my mind off Remus, my situation or love. Maybe we can have someone buy us sweets and rent some videos, and then we can make a pyjama party. I think I just saw a spell to conjure a muggle television set in one of those new transfiguration books. Yes. That'll be perfect. And Remus will be banned.

No thinking of Remus tonight!

… accidentally shouted that out loud, and then sat in frightened stupor for several minutes, hoping he hadn't heard me. He hasn't. Thank God.

I think the children have arrived. I can hear people in the hall. Again, thank God!


	16. If you like Pina Colada

_July 9th, Tuesday_

_Cups of ice cream we ate: 6; number of schmaltzy love movies we watched: 4; number of persons who knew my secret about a day after I found out I had one: 2 (well, 3 including me); _

We did have a pyjama party right after dinner. I really put a lot of effort into it: I persuaded Molly to let the girls stay up all night with me, asked Minerva to transfigure a piano stool into a TV and a vase into a VCR, paid Fred to go to a muggle video store and rent some movies for us, sent the girls to buy us ice cream and, finally, cleaned my room. I fleetingly considered just making the video session in the living room, but decided against it and for the privacy of my room. I even managed to get some rum, pineapple and coconut juice to make Pina Coladas. I know Molly probably wouldn't approve of it, but they haven't exactly had it easy. They deserve some fun. And I haven't had any alcohol since what I have taken to calling "the unfortunate incident". After ample preparations, we finally settled into the landscape of mattresses, blankets and pillows I made on the floor in my room and tucked in the delicious sandwiches Molly had made for us.

"So, what's new with you, girls? Anything happening at school over the past weeks? How were your O.W.L.s, Ginny?"

"Great! I think I might've fantasized a little bit too colourful in divination, but once I predicted Luna's death, Trelawney loved it."

"How did Luna take it?"

"She was okay with it, just said that she would rather be drowned by a Grindylow than trampled by a Thestral. I had to promise her I would do that in my NEWTs."

"How 'bout you, Mione, still top of the class?" Hermione blushed, and Ginny nudged her in the side.

"Nothing to be ashamed of, Hermione. Someone has to show that git Malfoy his place!"

"It's amazing how the three of you split all of your daily duties. Even pissing off Malfoy: Harry, Ron and Ginny defeat him on the Quidditch pitch, and you best him in class. I bet Severus isn't too happy about that."

"He hates it! He's the only teacher in whose lessons it's really fun to be attentive and quiet. It irks him to no end when he can't take points from Gryffindor."

"Speaking of pissing off Malfoy- guess what Ginny did!"

"You hexed him into a frog."

"Yeah, that too, but that was already back in February. The best one was the word-jumbling-spell last week. It was hilarious! Not a single one of his insults came out right, and everyone just laughed at him."

"Yes, Ginny did a really brilliant job there. I mean, she's been doing something evil to him every week since the beginning of the year, but that must have been the most humiliating experience in his whole school era."

"Miss Weasley! What do I have to hear – hexing other students? If your mother knew about this!"

"The first two months, I tried to get her off it, afraid that she would lose us points, but it didn't work. Her mind was set. And miraculously, she's never been caught. Malfoy can't prove anything, and no one besides his little gang is willing to testify against Ginny. It's so good to see him get what he deserves!"

"What made you start to hex him in the first place?" I asked her interestedly. Ginny blushed a little.

"Well, you see, I'd finally gathered the courage to ask Justin on a date, you know, the tall, dark Hufflepuff, and we spent this wonderful day in Hogsmeade and it was sooo romantic, until Malfoy came along and spoiled it all. At first he just insulted us, you know the usual stuff about my family, but later when we were in the Three Broomsticks, I had to use the bathroom, and when I came back, Justin was gone. I only found Malfoy sitting at our table, drinking my butterbeer, and smirking, and I knew he had done something horrible. Justin hasn't talked to me since! So I figured he had to be punished. Maybe his parents and Snape always let him get away with everything, and everyone else is too afraid to stand up to him, but I'm fed up. I'm not taking his shit any longer! So now, he gets his weekly hex, and everyone at school is allowed to come and watch." From Ginnys savage speech I figured the pina coladas were starting to kick in, and I could feel them, too, for I whooped loudly.

"Ginny, you're my queen. Someone should have told that spoiled brat off long ago." Hermione looked at us pensively.

"You know the weird thing is, he doesn't seem to mind that much. I mean, I thought he would try to threaten Ginny, or tell his Daddy, or send his bodyguards out, but he didn't react. She's humiliating him in front of everyone, and he just lets her. It's a little creepy, actually." She paused for a moment, while the wheels in my head went faster.

"Well, maybe he doesn't do anything because no one ever told him off. Maybe he enjoys being called on his actions for once. Maybe" I paused to make my statement more effective, "maybe he's got a masochist streak, and you're fulfilling it."

"Ew! Tonks! That's disgusting!" Ginny made gagging noises.

Hermione looked pensive again, then she blurted out

"Maybe he's got a crush on you, and can't show it because of this whole house and family feud thing, you know, and the fact that you don't like him. Or he just doesn't know how to show it, so he keeps taunting you. Like smaller boys do when they like girls."

"Come on, Mione, that's ridiculous."

"No it isn't. It fits quite excellent with what Tonks has said. Haha, Malfoy's got a crush on Ginny. We've got him for years with that one."

"Yeah, I'm sure teasing him will be helpful once he's a Death Eater battling you over life and death."

"You think he's gonna be one one day."

"Of course. I mean, come on, what else can he do? He's destined to be one."

"There's way too much destiny involved in this whole war thing for my liking."

"Come on, could we please not talk about the war? It's holidays, we should relax and think positive."

"You're right, Tonks. So, what's up with you?"

"Well, I've been stuck in this house for the past two weeks, but there's been loads of things happening."

"Really?"

"No."

"Poor thing. I bet it was terribly boring."

"It was once the vomiting stopped, but then Remus got injured and put under house arrest, so at least I had someone to talk." Yeah, right! I really tried to suppress the blush, using all my strength and willpower, but it just crept up, and of course Hermione picked on to it at once.

"Talked? Nothing more?"

"Yes. No. I mean, we also cooked and played chess and read books and stuff."

"Aha. So – you liked it?"

"Sure. I like cooking, even though I still blow up the occasional kitchen device, and I like reading, and not so much chess, because I always lose…"

"No, I mean do you like his company. Or I could also say – do you like him?" I blushed. Again.

"Yeah, spill it, Tonks. You like Professor Lupin, don't you?"

"Man, you calling him Professor Lupin makes this even weirder. Why don't you just call him Remus? He asked you like a million times."

"We know. We'll have to get used to him not being a professor anymore. But we promise we'll try this summer."

"Well, then I am relieved."

"I bet you are. So, since when?"

"Since when what?"

"Since when do you have feelings for him. Gosh, Tonks, don't play dumb!"

"Who said I had feelings for him?"

"Tonks! We're not stupid! You're blushing, you're walking around with that goofy smile, you can spend ten minutes just staring into space…We knew there was something as soon as we saw you. We just didn't know _who_ it was."

"But now, it all makes sense."

"Sometimes I hate you for being so smart."

"Well, not everyone can be as dense as a certain brother of Ginny." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"So, tell us. We want to hear everything."

"At least, we believe we want to hear everything. But keep in mind that for us, he's still our old professor, so watch what details you want to share."

"Yes, spare us the saucy scenes."

"There are no saucy scenes. We haven't even kissed. He doesn't return my feelings."

"Do you know that for a fact?"

"Come on, he's ten years older than me, and so much smarter. He deserves someone who's cool and elegant and sophisticated, not a clumsy half-wit with pink hair."

"You're being too hard on yourself. Don't you know, opposites attract? You might be just the woman he's looking for." I shrugged, not really convinced, but too tipsy to be seriously depressed.

"Now tell us, exactly how strong are your feelings?"

"Well, I've been seeing him as a friend since I started working for the order with him, but over these past two weeks, things have changed. I think it might even border on love. He's just so nice, and sweet and smart and sophisticated and kind and gentle and caring, and attractive, too. You know, these cardigans and woollen jumpers hide a lot."

"Have you seen him naked!" Ginny's voice was bordering on painfully shrill right now, so I quickly calmed her down.

"No, only shirtless once or twice. That's it, I swear." The girls still looked a little suspicious.

"So, what do you want to do now? Plan on telling him?"

"Telling him? Are you mad? I'm not going to completely humiliate myself. I tell you what I'm gonna do" … pause for effect …"nothing!" Having said that, I tuned out the girls' complaining and their arguments why I should tell him, and poured myself another glass of Pina colada with extra rum.

A/B: Sorry there's no Remus interaction in here. But I wanted to make Tonks a normal girl, and every normal girl has to chat with her friends from time to time.


	17. A girls' moment

_July 10th, Wednesday_

_number of times I had to blush because Remus entered a room and the girls started giggling: countless; overpowering enemies I stood up to: 1 (Molly, and I think everybody agrees that standing up to her is definitely a brave thing to do)_

Needless to say, by the time Molly woke us up the next morning at about 11 o'clock, I felt as if I'd been trampled by a herd of hippogriffs. Some time around seven, during "Sleepless in Seattle", we'd run out of pineapple juice, so I'd just drunk rum with coconut milk.

Of course, as soon as Molly had entered the room, she smelled the rat immediately – or rather, she smelled the alcohol. That was her keyword for a long tirade about giving alcohol to underaged witches, and rather strong muggle alcohol, too.

The girls tried to help me and argue with Molly, but she just sent them out to clean Buckbeak's room, and then I was completely alone with a Molly resembling an agitated chimara. I didn't think I would come out there alive, but I was prepared to fight. I remembered what the twins had once told me: Let her get it out of her system until she's exhausted, then strike. And so I did. After about twenty minutes, she took a pause to take a few breaths, and I took my chance to defend myself.

"Look, Molly, I can assure you neither of the girls drank much. They weren't even tipsy. Plus, they're old enough to have a cocktail from time to time, even if they're not of age yet. And it's not as if I'd given them pure rum. Nothing could've happened, they were in the house, for heavens sake. Would you rather they get pissed on Firewhiskey with older boys at a club? See?" Molly tried to say something, but I didn't let her.

"You know, I'm not as stupid and careless as you all seem to think, at least not when it comes to other persons' lives. I thought something when I planned this evening. These girls have more on their minds than they should at their age. Hell, they should be thinking about robes and boys and lipgloss, and instead they spend their summer holidays at the headquarters of a secret resistance order talking about war, and their evenings at school battling evil wizards. They deserve some distraction, and I managed to distract them. Because that's what young girls should do: Giggle and gossip and watch romance movies and try how much alcohol they can drink until they get tipsy." Breathe, breathe, breathe… and go!

"They're good girls, Molly, they won't do anything stupid just because they've had some juice and rum. They're not the type of girls who are making out with boys in broom cupboards or change their boyfriends every week. They're just not the little girls you saw go off to school anymore. You have to get used to that. But when you do, and you trust them, then they won't disappoint you. Just leave them a little space, and they'll turn out just fine."

Molly had turned away during my speech, but now she turned around again, and I could see tears in her eyes.

"I know all that, Tonks, I know it. I've been young myself once. But it's been so long, and with the war overshadowing everything, sometimes I forget that there are things you have to do and be when you're young. But I'll try and remember from now on. Thanks for opening my eyes." And then we hugged and cried, and Molly stayed with me for a little longer to talk. She even had some rum.

All of a sudden, she looked on her watch and paled.

"Oh my God, I'm supposed to have lunch ready by now! Everyone will arrive soon, and I haven't even started yet." She jumped up and hastened to the door, but then she turned around again.

"Now, for that I blame you!"

When I came back in clean clothes a few minutes later, I found Molly and the girls in the kitchen in front of a table with delicious food, group-hugging. They were all laughing and crying at the same time. I cleared my throat and they turned around and saw me.

"Tonks, the girls already made lunch, can you believe it?" She gestured for me to come closer, and we closed the hugging circle again, and the whole hugging and laughing and crying started all over again.

That's how Remus found us a few minutes later. He alarmed us of his presence by clearing his throat (a very Remus-like thing, which I have picked up for the rare occasion that I do not announce my presence by bumping into something) and we turned around to find him looking very alarmed.

"What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" I smiled at him reassuringly.

"No, everything's fine. We're just having, you know, a little moment here."

He looked puzzled.

"Then why are you crying? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Absolutely sure. Don't worry Remus. It's a girl thing."

Not much more happened that day except, as I already wrote, once the girls had stopped crying, they took to giggling every time (and I mean every time) Remus entered or left a room. Or looked at me. Or said something. Or did something. Or just moved.

Me, I was sitting there shaking with fear that he would notice anything, but he didn't.

Thank God.

You know, that's the good thing with all this Remus-trouble: I have loads of things to be thankful for.


	18. Morning talks

_July 11th, Thursday_

_Things I had to talk about in the morning which you should never talk about in the morning: 2; starling discoveries: 3; times I cursed myself for starting a friendship with the girls: countless_

The day started peaceful enough, with me sleeping until eleven, but that's it. No more peace and quiet for Nymphadora Tonks, never, ever again! You know, about two weeks ago I was desperately hoping for some distraction. I didn't say anything about utter chaos.

Right in the middle of a rather nice dream that involved me, Remus and a bowl of mousse au chocolat, the girls decided to wake me up to ask me some very urgent questions.

"Tonks? Are you awake?" I didn't deign answer them. So they just went on.

"You've had sex, right?" Tried not answering again. Didn't work.

"To-onks, come on! We need to know, it's urgent!" Managed to sit up, though only under great physical pain.

"Are you planning on seducing your boyfriends after lunch?" They looked at me confusedly and shook their heads.

"Then why the hell is it urgent?" Ginny plopped down on my bed, narrowly missing my left foot.

"You know, we were talking about it, and we were wondering, and so we thought we asked someone. And then we had to find someone who's female and out of puberty, but not mom's generation, so we thought of you.

"I'm flattered."

"Really?"

"No. I'm tired. I don't want to talk to you about sex. I haven't had sex for one and a half year, and it's been even longer since I've been in a relationship. I try avoiding the topic whenever it comes up in conversation or pops into my mind, and so far, I've been quite successful."

"So you're saying you've been repressing the fact that you're a twenty-seven-year-old witch with no love life whatsoever?" I threw a pillow at Hermione.

"You're a cruel, sadistic person."

"But why? Why don't you have a love life?" I groaned and buried my head in the mattress.

"One topic at a time. You have to decide girls, either it'll be my non-existent love life or sex in general."

"Your love life. When was your last relationship?"

"My last relationship ended about four years ago. After that, I occasionally met a guy from work…"

"Just for shagging?"

"We usually had dinner before, but basically, yes. We liked each other, and the sex was great, but there weren't really any romantic feelings involved. We both knew that was only a waiting room relationship – until someone better came along. For him, that someone came one and a half years ago. And that's it – end of the story. I decided then and there I wouldn't have any relationship until I meet the One."

"And now you've met him!"

"Excuse me?" Ginny bobbed up and down on the bed excitedly.

"Remus, of course. You're in love with him, and now you can get together and get married and have children and be happy." I stared at her incredibly.

"I'm sorry, are you really the same sixteen-year-old Ginny who wanted to talk about sex? Because this sounds more like the fairytale fantasy of a six-year-old." But deep down, I'm still six myself. I started imagining the fairytale Ginny had described. It would be nice, I guess. No more guys from work, no more "shag for dinner"-deals, no more waiting room relationships…

"Okay, I think if we start dragging Remus in here, too, that'll be three topics, and that's definitely too much for one single morning."

"But they're all connected." Of course, Hermione, the logical one, had already found a system.

"It's obvious. You had no love life, but that's over now that Remus is in the picture. And once that works out, you're going to have sex. And – tadaaaa- all the topics covered." I nodded weakly.

"Great. I'm impressed."

"So, how is it?"

"What?"

"Sex!"

"Honestly, are we still not finished?" The girls grinned and said in unison:

"Nope!"

"Well, I guess there are two ways. The first one is what I described as waiting room relationships. It's great sex, but it's not something very emotional. It's more like a very enjoyable pastime. The second one, the one I decided should be the only way, is when you're in love. When you're totally head over heels and walking on a pink cloud all day, because it finally worked out and you kissed or he asked you out, and then you put on your most sexy dress because you know, tonight it's going to happen. And when it's really the one you want it to be with, it doesn't matter where you are, or if there are any candles to create a flattering light. You don't care if the zip of your dress gets stuck or if he accidentally breaks your bra clasp, the anxiousness overshadows everything. And then it's not just your bodies meeting, but you open up towards each other completely, and you just know he feels just as high as you do." The girls had dreamy expressions, probably resembling mine at the moment.

"And you know it's gonna last forever." Ginny whispered. I smiled.

"No, you don't know that yet. You believe it in this moment, because you want to. But you really know when you catch him watching you, or sometime later when you notice he arranges his shoes the same way you do, or on the day he knows how you like your breakfast eggs and surprises you with your favourite breakfast in bed, or when his friends begin to remember your name. Those are the moments when you start to consider eternity and the little suburban house with the front yard."

"You're a very poetic person."

"You know, no one's ever talked about it like that before."

"Yes, with Parvati and Lavender or Pansy Parkinson bragging about her weekend, it always sounds like something every girl our age has to do."

"And when mum talks about it, she says it all technically, and starts with bees and birds until you stop her from making a fool of herself by telling her you already know everything, even though you still have questions, but your face is already threatening to explode. And then she's sort of relieved and tells you to wait until you're ready and to come to her for contraceptive potions once that happens."

"Well, you know, I think mothers are the wisest persons on earth, and everything they say is true, just because they've been through it already. I can just repeat: Wait until you're convinced you're ready and that you love and trust the boy. Don't do it because some girls are waving their asses around to make the boys drool and tell you you have to do it. That's rubbish. I had my first time well out of Hogwarts with a wonderful man, and it was just right."

"Thanks, Tonks. You know, it was great talking to you."

"Yes, you really helped."

After they'd left, I sank back and let out a deep sigh. Oh my god. How do you tell teenaged girls about the wonderfulness of sex without having them get pregnant before they even quit school? I think I can now say I'm officially prepared to be mother to a sixteen-year-old. And I think Molly would be proud of me.

Even though the rest of the day was rather boring (the girls were out visiting town with Charlie and Remus never left his room), I still came to some very interesting conclusions.

1.) I have no love life whatsoever

2.) Absolutely need to change that. When I told the girls about sex and love, I realised how much I missed having someone beside me

3.) I still believe in happily ever after. That'squite shocking for a 27 year old witch who would speak of herself as a rather pragmatic person.


	19. Hormones

_July 12th, Friday _

_Embarrassing occurrences: 2; changes in my hormone production: countless; new ideas for battle cry: 1; loud curses Molly would make me eat soap for: about 17, not counting the ones in French, Italian and Romanian_

Started the day in the greatest way possible: By bleeding in my bed and then realizing that, naturally, there were no female hygiene products in a male household. This was just so whatI don't need in the morning. So I charmed my bed and pyjamas clean and called down the hall towards the girls' room:

"Hey, lazy girls, one of you has to run down to the chemist's and get me tampons, immediately." Guess who didn't hear me? The girls.

Guess who did hear me and came out of his room with a confused frown on his face just to double over laughing at the look of utter horror on my handsome features? The man of the hour. By the time Remus was finished pointing at me and laughing his ass off (really, you should think the man was 17, not 37), Hermione had finally bothered to get up, collect my money and angry curses and head out to the chemist's. Trying to make an exit where I could at least save part of my dignity, I threatened Remus that if he didn't shut up, I'd shove some tampons up his … anatomy. It didn't work. He just collapsed again. Retired to my room to sulk. But this is not over yet. Werewolves of 12 Grimmauld Place, beware.

_Later_

Oh. My. God.

I saw him shirtless again, and almost started drooling. You see, I had to go to the loo, and I had even checked to see if the hall was empty before I left my room, but then he came out of the bathroom wearing only slacks, his hair still wet and dripping tiny droplets of water onto his torso… He was sooo sexy, he looked like God's gift to women. I just stood there for what seemed like hours trying not to drool all over my shirt. Sigh! I'm gone, I'm totally gone.

_Ten minutes later_

Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just woke up from the drooling state and realized how horribly, horribly stupid I must have looked outright staring at him. Woman, where's that finesse! Besides, I've already seen him shirtless, but that didn't knock my brains out, did it? AAAHHHH!

_Another ten minutes later_

I just figured out why I completely lost it at the sight of Remus shirtless: It's that time of the month, of course my hormones are going crazy. I probably would've reacted that way to any man! (Except for Snape and Moody, of course.)

Am immensely relieved.

Though I am afraid I will still find him incredibly dishy once my hormone level goes back to normal.

Hah, I just realized that my current horniness (is that a word?) gives the sentence "Werewolves of 12 Grimmauld Place, beware!" an entirely new meaning.

I should make that my battle cry.

A/N: Thank you all for reviewing! I have to admit I can only update so fast because i had large parts of the story already written. Once I run out of stock, the updating will slow down.


	20. Conflicing feelings

July 13th, 

_Conflicting feelings: thousands (just about every feeling that exists); things in my room I broke or smeared with food: about 35; things that are still intact: 0; people watching me being humiliated: 23_

I can't believe it! Remus just woke me up with breakfast, and everything looked so great, and then he dropped the bomb: He's allowed to go out again. Apparently, he's perfectly healed and able to face the world. I, on the contrary, am still not allowed to leave this dark, stuffy, shitty place where everything reminds me of my dead cousin and my still living relatives that I can't stand, and where people keep going in and out telling me what great things they've done to help save the world, whereas my days consist of too much talk and food and trashy novels and alcohol. I dared ask him if anyone had said anything about me, but he said he didn't know, only that it had to be at least one more week for me. A week! At least! Then I threw my coffee mug at him and yelled for him to get out and leave me the hell alone. He hesitated, and I hit him in the chest with a spoon, so he got out before I could grab the knife. Threw and broke a few more things before flopping down on my bed and crying.

I can't stand it anymore. I hate this stupid curse that came from the same woman's wand who killed my cousin. I hate this house, I hate my situation, I hate this whole goddamn war.

I mean, even without Voldemort coming back to life and starting to mix and mingle, being an Auror would be a dangerous job where I have to deal with evil persons. But at least if there wasn't a war then I'd only be an auror on my working time. After that I could go home and date or relax or have a couple of butterbeers with friends. I wouldn't worry about anything but my career and maybe some love life. As the ancient and sage philosopher says: Life's a bitch.

_Later_

I've been pretty much left alone for the rest of the day, which didn't really do me any good because it left me time to sulk and shower in self-pity some more.

Occasionally, I heard someone knocking, but I didn't answer.

At about 7 in the evening, it knocked again. This time, not answering didn't help. The door banged open, and an energetic voice boomed across the room.

"Nymphadora Tonks! You will get up now, get down for dinner and act like the adult you are. You have been sulking long enough!" I didn't even consider refusing. You don't refuse orders from Molly Weasley.

Went down to the kitchen in my old sweat pants and "charming witch" t-shirt to find half the order sitting there. It was not embarrassing at all.

Not compared to what happened afterwards.

After dinner, Dumbledore (who had arrived just in time for dessert) asked everyone to stay for an impromptu order meeting. Unsuspecting, I sat down and waited, happy to once again be included in a meeting. Until Dumbledore started talking about me.

"As you all know, our dear Nymphadora has been sick for the past two weeks, recovering from a spell that rehearsed itself. To give her more peace and quiet, she was not only excluded from work, but also from her work here in the order. But we did get the feeling that Nymphadora is growing bored. Which is perfectly understandable for an energetic young witch who is used to having a lot of work and now finds herself locked in this house. We noticed it has become unbearable for her to live in this situation, and for us to live with her. So, Nymphadora, we would like to ask you to officially be an active member of the order again." I desperately wished for a hole in the earth to open up and swallow me.

For a moment, I couldn't say anything. I just stared at the ground, feeling my head getting hotter and hotter until I was sure I could hear some veins popping. I could faintly hear the others applauding and cheering, but I didn't move until someone clapped my back and I heard one of the Weasley twins saying:

"Congratulations! You managed to bully your way back in." I stood up abruptly and stormed out of the kitchen. I had barely made it to the stairs when I heard Remus calling my name.

"Nymph? What's wrong?" I whirled around.

"You ask me what's wrong? I've just been humiliated in front of half of the order. What was that all about, letting me back in? Where did they suddenly get the idea from?" A guilty look flickered over Remus' face, and it dawned on me.

"You did it, didn't you? You told them about this morning. You complained about me!"

"Look, Nymph, I only meant to help you. You wanted to get back to work, so I suggested they let you come to the meetings again."

"Did you tell them about this morning? About the butterbeer accident? Of course you did. I can still hear Dumbledore: "We think Nymphadora is getting a bit bored… it has become unbearable for us to live with her…" He was speaking of me as if I were a spoilt child!" A new look had crept on Remus' face, one I didn't immediately recognise. Until he spoke, his voice piercingly hard and drenched in anger.

"Well, maybe that's because you act like one." I looked at him thunderstruck, and answered stonily:

"Maybe that's because you treat me like one." Then I stormed back up the stairs.

Because, being honest to myself, that's what actually buggered me more than being embarrassed in front of the order. I thought Remus accepted me. I even hoped he could see me as more than a friend, but as a woman, and a desirable one too. Obviously, I was wrong.

That's what this all is: A case of wounded pride.

A/N: The sentence _As the ancient and sage philosopher says: Life's a bitch _does not come from me. I've read it in another great fan fiction once, and though I've forgot the name of the story, I wanted to use the phrase as a tribute to the person who came up with it.


	21. Makeover

_July 14th, Saturday (though it doesn't really matter, anyway. Everyday's the same sucky day.)_

Spent the rest of the day sulking and brooding and generally feeling dreadful. Managed to refrain from alcohol misuse though, which is really a huge progress. Normally I would've just drowned my sorrows in butterbeer. Or firewhisky.

Eleven o'clock:

Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached a turning point. At exactly 8 this morning someone banged on my door and advised me in this special tone only mothers manage to "get my act together, stand up and stop sulking like a little child" – my mum. She managed to put my life back in order with just the right amount of fretting, sarcasm and presents.

After she had lectured me for hiding from the rest of the order and fighting with Remus, I finally got the motherly hug I needed for so long.

"My poor dear, why didn't you tell us what happened?"

"I didn't want to spoil your holiday. And I didn't even know where your ship was at the time."

"Don't be silly, dear, an owl would have easily found us."

"I know. I didn't want to worry you."

"I know. You never want to worry us. But not telling us anything that goes on in your life is certainly not the right solution, don't you think?" I didn't answer. It felt like heaven to be hugged and rocked like a crying child in my mother's arms as if I were five again.

"I know you want to be independent, and your father and I accept that. But we still want to share at least a small part of your life. Don't you think that would be possible?" I nodded, outright crying by now.

"And this incident is definitely something we should know about. You could have been seriously ill and we wouldn't have known if I hadn't met Emmeline at the Leaky Cauldron today who told me about you. Please promise me that you will tell me about things like this from now on." I nodded.

"I promise." After all, I've learned enough about worry those past weeks to know what my parents must have felt when they heard about my illness. I felt suddenly ashamed of myself. I've been acting like a child again.

"So, how are you now?"

"Way better. I'm almost healed. In a week or so I'll be allowed to work again. And just yesterday I've reentered the order." I could feel her chuckle.

"I know. Molly told me you'd been horribly embarrassed."

"It was so awful! Nobody had told me anything, and so I got down there in my old, smelly nightclothes and there they all were. And then Dumbledore started saying things like I'd gotten bored and unbearable to live with and made me look like a bored, spoilt child again. And then I had a row with Remus and then I just felt horrible."

"If it's any help, Remus isn't angry anymore."

"You talked to him?"

"No. I talked to Molly, who told me he'd been crushed yesterday evening. The poor man only wanted to help you. Well, that's men. Not much insight on women's minds. I think you should talk to him, though." I wondered for a fleeting moment why on earth my mum knew about my being friends with Remus before I realised she must have talked about that with Molly too.

"Mum, say, how long have you been here?"

"About two or three hours or so. I just arrived for breakfast. Why?" I groaned. Two or three hours in the kitchen with Molly and God knows who else! They might've told her everything. She might've met the girls. They might've said something about me being in love with Remus. Oh my god! I've got the bad feeling that another disaster is waiting for me just around the corner. Mum entangled herself from me and stood up.

"Now, I think you should just get up, have a shower and then go talk to Remus while I'm going down to chat with Molly for a while and see if I can help with lunch." I was a little peeved at her insistence that I take a shower, but realised I really haven't showered for two days.

"By the way, we've brought along some presents for you. I'll just leave them here. Dad sends his kisses with the small package." With that, she left my room, leaving me once again wondering whether or not mothers really have the inner eye.

After a refreshing cold shower, I decided to let Remus wait for a few more minutes and open my presents first. Opening the parcel from dad first, I found a shrunken head who had been charmed to tell jokes. I had to laugh about a really complicated one involving a chicken, a dentists drill and a red light. My mum always wants to make me a bit more feminine, so I expected one of her usual frilly dresses or lacy underwear or satiny nightgowns. Actually, her taste in clothes is quite good, and I'm sure I would look fine in this stuff, but I could never bring myself to wear it. Even though the clothes from my mum fill up half of my closet. I opened the parcels to find a rather beautiful chocolate brown bra with matching knickers, trimmed with soft pink lace and soft pink pin stripes. I looked at it for a moment before thinking – why not? So I slipped out of my usual pants and shirt look to try on the underwear. Maybe it really is time to change my style a little bit. Maybe when I dress and act like a woman Remus will realize I am one. Now curious, I quickly ripped open the second, bigger parcel, to find a stunning turquoise dress inside. I slipped it on over the underwear and gasped when I turned to the mirror.

A total stranger was staring back at me – an elegantly dressed woman with a curvy figure and a soft smile. The only thing that convinced me that it was really me was the wild pink hair I was still sporting and the old sock that stuck to my left leg.

I am definitely going to change my style. I can only say it again: Werewolves of 12 Grimmauld Place, beware!

I think it's time to go to Remus now. I'll forgive him for what happened yesterday and focus on my goal: Show him that I'm a woman.

Standing in front of his door, I take a last breath before slowly opening it and going in.

"Remus, I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I shouldn't have yelled at you. You only meant to do me a favour. Can you forgive me?" He's sitting at his desk with his back to me, probably reading, but now he turns around, opens his mouth to speak, lifts his hand to push his reading glasses down on his nose – and freezes in mid-air, his mouth hanging open, eyes wide. I so wish I had a camera with me right now! After at least two minutes of him staring silently, I clear my throat.

"Erm, Remus? Is everything all right?"

"Tonks? Is that you?" I chuckle softly.

"Of course it's me, silly. Who did you expect, Celestina Warbeck?" He shakes himself quickly.

"No, it's just that… you look so different!" He blushes, and I'm internally dancing with joy. Until he speaks again.

"Are you sure everything's alright?" My pride deflates like a balloon after the contact with a needle. Great. I really look like the gorgeous, grown-up woman that I am for once, and he thinks I'm sick. I really don't want to be the moody bitch all the time, but I can't help the lump forming in my throat, the tears welling up in my eyes. Before I can help it, I've turned on my heel and run to my room, where I throw myself on the bed and cry.

Stupid, stupid Tonks! How could I think a dress would be able to change everything going wrong in my life? Why would I think he'd look at me differently all of a sudden? But what hurts the most is that, for a fleeting moment, I really had the feeling that he liked what he saw.

I'm feeling the same as on that dreadful evening in my fourth year, when I told my best friend Stu that we should go to the Yule ball together, and he laughed at me and said "Thank you, but I'd much rather go with a real girl." That's exactly how I feel right now. Fourteen and unhappy and not enough of a girl.


	22. Men!

_July 15th, Sunday_

_Emotional wounds: 1 (huge, still aching and consuming all happiness); people with exactly the same problem I've got – men - : 4 in this house, countless on this earth_

Am still a little cranky, and I still can't bear to look at myself in the mirror, or look at the clothes on the floor. But the wound is starting to heal. Last night, Ginny, Hermione, Molly and Mum stormed into my room right in the middle of my umpteenth crying session this week.

"Tonks, what's wrong? Remus came down saying you were looking all weird and that you had come to his room and then just left crying and he didn't know what happened."

I didn't look up.

"Go away. I don't want to see anyone."

"Tonks, that's rubbish. Tell us what happened. Did Remus say something? What did he mean with "you looked weird"?" I jumped up and pointed at the rather rumpled dress.

"This. This is what looks weird in Remus' eyes. I just wanted to try on Mum's present, and I liked it. So I didn't change back before going to his room to apologise. And he just stared at me, and said I looked different, and then he honestly asked if I was sick!" A collective gasp went through my audience. My mum sank down on my bed weakly. Ginny shook her hands to the sky (or rather, the ceiling), and Molly muttered "Honestly, men!" under her breath. Hermione exploded.

"That is so typical! They read Playwizard and look after every damn arse in Diagon Alley, but when the everyday girl besides them wants to look pretty for once, they panic and ask us if everything's alright. Why can't they just compliment us for once? Just something like "you look nice" would be enough, that's all we want." We looked at Hermione in awe. She'd totally hit the nerve with her little speech, though I got the sneaking suspicion she wasn't talking about Remus. But that's a different matter. Then Ginny spoke up.

"They never notice anything. They haven't even noticed I'm my own person yet. Most of them see me as Ron's sister, or Arthur Weasley's daughter, or whatever. But I'm not just a sister, or a daughter, a chaser or a potions partner. I'm a girl, dammit!" Molly sighed and sank down on my armchair, not bothering to clear it of the pair of jeans laying there.

"Yep, that's what they are. They never notice anything. I can't tell you how many times I've sat at the table with the fine china and the white candles and tablecloth in my best dress, and Arthur comes home, looks around confusedly and asks me if there's something special. No, nothing special, except that we've now been married for twenty-five years. Or did you fail to notice because you were so busy at the ministry?" There's a moment of silence, before we all sigh collectively.

"Men!"

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. I just had a lot to do. Unfortunately, I won't be able to update anytime soon, because I'll be going away for the next week. I'll leave you another bit of Remus/Tonks goodness to help you through, though.


	23. Almost I love you

_July 16th, Tuesday_

_Weird emotional breakdowns: 0; times I had to cry: 0; times Remus and I insulted each other: 0; _

Oh happy day! Everything's fine again. I'm as balanced as I haven't been for the past – oh, I don't know, five years or so. My conversation with the "girls" yesterday made me realize that I'm not the only one with problems. Sure, men might not be their biggest problem, but they're causing trouble in everyone's life, not just in mine. And as for Remus? He did the most incredible thing. I don't know whether it was his idea or whether Mum or Molly said something, but he woke me up with breakfast again, brought me a rose, and said – and this is the exact quote –

"Nymph, I'm sorry for what I did yesterday. I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I was just surprised that you would start wearing totally different clothes all of a sudden. That does not mean I thought you looked bad – on the contrary, you looked stunning. But you actually look beautiful all the time, no matter what you're wearing or how you've changed yourself. I mean, if it came to me, you wouldn't have to change at all, I lo-like your natural appearance."

Oh. My. God. Did I just almost hear what I think I just almost heard? Was he really going to say "I love your natural appearance"? Because, well, everyone knows it's not that far from "I love your look" or "I love your eyes" to "I love you". But no, no, I mustn't think such things! It doesn't do me any good to get my hopes up just to have them shattered again. I've been hurt one too many times. Ooh, that sounded slightly melodramatic.

Anyway, I just sat there with my mouth open, not knowing what to say, while Remus seemed a little embarrassed at his little slip of words, though not sure what to do yet. He apparently took my silence as a bad sign and retreated to the door. At least Imanaged to bring out "Thanks" before he disappeared. After that, I walked around with a big, goofy grin on my face all day. Of course, I won't get my hopes up, no. I'm just happy about a compliment. Even though my mind can't resist singing "He loves me, he loves me!" from time to time. But let's forgive my poor little mind – it has been trapped here for more than three weeks, and with barely no alcohol to keep it running.

A/N: I'm awfully sorry that it took me so long to update! I hope you enjoyed this.


	24. Free again!

_July 17th, Wednesday_

_Almost-declarations of love: 0 (though about 15, if you interpret "Hi Nymph! How are you today?" long enough), amazing, great, wonderful, life-changing news: 1; invitations to dinner: 1_

Spent all day practically glued to Remus waiting for something to slip (like a compliment, proposal or declaration of his undying love for me). Unfortunately, he didn't come up with anything new and instead was very silent. And I had the suspicion that he was still a little embarrassed, because he kept trying to get away from me. He even blushed a little when I handed him a cup of tea and our hands met. It was so cute! I mean, it's not as if we hadn't been a lot closer already, but still. Of course, the situation was a bit like walking on eggshells, because not only did I have to deal with Remus' sudden shyness, but Molly, my mum and the girls kept sneaking around us and giggling or giving me conspiratorial winks and grins. It was so exhausting that I instantly retired to my room as soon as Remus had managed to flee to his. I was just playing with the thought of going over under some dumb pretence and trying to feel him up (I haven't done that for ages, I'm practically on draught) when Dumbledore knocked on my door and asked if he could talk to me.

That's when the miracle happened. Well, before it could happen I had to steer him away from my room, because there were clothes and books and magazines and a few lonely butterbeer bottles strewn around, and there's no way on earth I would let Dumbledore see this.

But once we had moved up to Buckbeak's room (I don't know why, I sorta like it there) he brought along the happy news:

I AM ALLOWED TO GO OUT AGAIN! ME! NYMPHADORA TONKS!

I AM NO LONGER AN OUTCAST! NO LONGER SHUNNED FROM SOCIETY AND BANNED FROM WORK! I CAN GO SHOPPING AND GO TO MY FAVOURITE CAFÉ IN DIAGON ALLEY AND OF COURSE DO GREAT THINGS TO SAVE THE WORLD!

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M STILL WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!

_Later:_

Had to interrupt my entry because of some very important _running around the house screaming_-action. After all, everyone has a right to know that, from this day on, Nymphadora Tonks will be a free person again, and hopefully, will never be imprisoned anywhere.

I can't believe I've used my dreadful full name two times on the same page.

And then I had the great idea to use my current ecstatic state as an excuse for doing crazy things. So I went over to Remus' room, screamed "I am free!" and gave him a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek. AND THEN he did one of his unbelievably cute Remus things again:

He lifted me up and twirled me around and laughed with me and congratulated me on finally getting out of the house. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, then he said:

"You know, Nymph, I think we should celebrate your freedom. Are you free tonight?"

"Did you not listen? Of course I am free! I'm the freest person in the world!"

"Well, then I insist you go out with me. I'll pick you up at seven, alright?"

I could only nod, stunned. Was this a date? Did he just ask me out? I think he did!

Did another round of "running around the house screaming".

Eventually, the girls heard me in spite of their incredibly loud music and asked me what's going on. I told them everything, and we all started giggling and group-hugging. And then, of course, there were a million things to do: We had to alarm Mum and Molly, and of course, figure out what I will be wearing.

It was all so exciting!

_Later:_

I have to call the Pope to tell him he has to canonize my mum. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have anything to wear! As it is, I can choose just about everything from a golden bikini (a souvenir from the Bahamas) to a dark red, empire-style evening dress. I settled for something in between: a lavender, knee-length chiffon dress with a very modest cleavage, but a back that dips dangerously low. Honestly, one wouldn't believe a mother would give something like that to her daughter. See, that's how desperately she wants me to get married. I morphed into my natural appearance, left my hair open and put a mother-of pearl comb into it. As the girls and Molly confirmed, I looked gorgeous. The only thing I wasn't so sure about were the black kitten-heel shoes, because I'm not used to walking on heels. But those were the lowest ones we could find, and the girls insisted I wear heels because, apparently, sneakers look stupid with fancy dresses. Ginny assured me I would get used to it, which earned her an inquiring look from her mother, who probably wondered when her little daughter had learned to walk on high heels.

Thinking about it, I realise I shouldn't have to get so dressed up, since Remus said he likes the fact that I'm so natural and that I shouldn't change just for a man. But, hey, I'm also doing this for myself. Everyone needs a little makeover from time to time. And besides, this isn't just any man we're talking about, this is Remus.

Oh, I'm soooo excited. He didn't tell me where we're going, I hope I won't be overdressed.

Ooh, somebody just knocked on my door, that's probably Remus. Alright, okay, stay calm, Nymphadora. One last look in the mirror, one last deep breath, a bit of perfume, one last freshening charm – I open the door. Remus opens his mouth to greet me, but never says anything. The look on his face is similar to that one morning when I tried the turquoise dress, and even though I know its inappropriate to say that, I think I might have made quite an impression.

"Shall we, Remus?", I say in my sexiest voice, giving him my sexiest smile and just generally trying to be as sexy as possible while I take the lead down the stairs. I can literally hear his jaw drop at the view of my back.

This is going to be one fun evening!


	25. Author's notes

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry, but this is not an actual story update, but just some things I had to say.

First of all, thanks to all of you who reviewed and followed this story so faithfully – your feedback makes this story even more fun to write!

I'm really, really sorry I left the story hanging and didn't update for so long, but I didn't have the opportunity for the past two months. And now that I am able to continue, I've got a little writer's block. I've planned out most of the plot for the next update, but I'm missing one idea. So I'm asking for your help.

As you know, the story ended with Tonks and Remus going on a date. Obviously, this date has to be something very special. And that's exactly where my problem lies: I don't know what to have them do. I know they're going to end up in a park some time during the evening, and they're going to come back to Grimmauld Place, obviously, but what's going to happen in between? Should they go to the theatre, to the movies, dancing, take a trip to France or just have dinner? I really don't know, so if anyone of you has any great ideas Remus might come up with on a date, just leave them in a review. Maybe I will incorporate them, maybe I will have an epiphany soon. In any case, I really hope I will be able to update soon, and bring this story to an end. (Though I'm not sure I want it to end – I like the characters so much!)

So, thanks again for putting up with my very delayed update, my writers block and my rambling, and thanks already for inspiring me!


	26. Rainbows in the night

_July 18th, Thursday _

_Cute, wonderful, adorable things Remus did yesterday: 1,374; horrible, humiliating things he did yesterday:1; things that count: 1 (the bad one!)_

This time it's final. I am never going to leave this room ever again! No matter how much I wanted to get out and enjoy my new freedom before, no matter how long Mum and Molly and the girls keep banging on my door pleading for me to open up, I won't. I can transfigure all the useless little décor stuff in my room into food and live off that for at least a year (even though transfigured food doesn't have any nutritional value, but at least that way I would lose some weight). And by that time hopefully the war will be over, Voldemort will be defeated, the Order will have no need for this place anymore, and Remus will have moved out and forgotten all about me. See? It's easy. The most brilliant plan I've ever made for my future, and the one involving the least embarrassment and humiliation. After all, no one cares how many things I knock over when I'm alone in my room, right?

Okay, maybe I should tell you what happened. Let's start with the good part, the memory of the other part is still too fresh, too painful to relive.

When I first stepped out of the house and deeply breathed in the wonderful, heavily polluted London air, I almost danced with joy. I forced myself not to, though, because I'm not sure if I can in these shoes. They were already hurting. Luckily, Remus called a cab, which took us to a small theatre in the city where we watched the production of "The Twelfth Night". I was actually a bit sceptical about that, because the last time I read Shakespeare in History of magic, it didn't really sound interesting. But once the play started, it was actually quite funny. And let me tell you, the old guy knows a lot about love! Seriously! And I just loved the way they talked… the sonnet rhythm, and all those big words… Actually, I really admire people who speak eloquently. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to Remus. I mean, apart from the beautiful eyes, the sweet charm and the killer body…

I should really go to the theatre more instead of just catching a movie.

Afterwards, we had dinner at this pretty little place looking out over the river, where all the bright lights of the city were reflected in the dark blue water, and our only source of light were the two candles on the table. It was soooo romantic (but still bearable, mind you!) I mean, if he had taken me to, say, a French Restaurant with someone playing the violin in the background, that might have been a tad too much. But this was just – perfect!

After dinner, neither of us wanted to go back to Grimmauld Place, because that would mean facing all the people from the "real world", not that dream-like state we were in right now. (Yep, that's how good it was.) So we decided to walk back.

On the way, we walked through a little park. Just as we were crossing the grass, the muggle sprinklers went on, spraying us with cold water. Remus made to run out of reach of the water, but I grabbed his hand and held him back.

"Come on, let's pretend it's warm summer rain and dance around in it!"

He looked at me a little sceptically, but I ignored him and just started twirling around in the refreshing shower. After all, it had been a very hot day, and the air was still warm. After a little while of jumping and twirling and laughing and general sprinkler craziness, we plopped down on our backs on the wet grass and just let the water spray our faces. It was magical! Wherever the light from the street lamps hit the fine sheen of water, little sparkling rainbows appeared, bathing the place in a surreal, soft light. I turned my head to Remus' side, and our gazes locked. Slowly, his face came closer, until…

A dog jumped between us, loudly barking and bearing his teeth threateningly. I jumped up and backed away, startled by the dog's sudden appearance and the fact that it was the size of a small pony. Then someone blew a whistle, and the dog turned and ran towards an elderly woman walking across the grass.

"I'm sorry, did he startle you? Kiki is completely harmless, he just wants to play." I ground my teeth, barely managing not to throttle that stupid person with the stupid dog who had ruined our perfect, wonderful, magical almost-kiss-moment! But Remus just smiled politely, reassuring the insolent person that we were fine, linked my arm through his and pulled me away.

The rest of the way we walked in silence.

By the time we had arrived back at Grimmauld Place and were standing in the hall being all silent and awkward, I realised he wouldn't take this any further, not today, and possibly never, if I didn't do anything. So I quickly stepped closer, stretched up to him and kissed him softly on the lips, lingering for a moment to give him an opportunity to deepen the kiss.

He didn't.

So, after that very humiliating rejection, there was only one thing left to do. I bolted.

I locked myself in my room, and that's where I still am, totally devastated.

I know I am too young to give up on men altogether already, but I just can't take it. I mean, sure, I'm a freak and a klutz and silly and childish and generally not the girl of every man's dreams. But I really thought he liked me. What am I doing wrong?

A/N: I did it! Finally I forced myself to write this chapter – and I got right back into the story again! The next chapter is already started.

Thanks so much to all of you for sending your suggestions.

hopeforthefuture: I just took your idea of a Shakespeare play – it's just so Remus. Thanks!

Moonlitesadness: It's funny that you suggested the thing with the fountain, because I had already planned the sprinkler scene. You're right: It is very Tonks!

Candi Tonks: Don't worry: Snape will notice their relationship soon enough – maybe he will even interfere! I don't think he's got a crush on her though. He just likes to annoy people.

Gutter and Grace and fairybells: I love Italy, too, but I just couldn't see them go there on their first date. But who knows, maybe they will end up there sometime? I'm sure they'd love the chocolate lasagna!

Piratess Satine: Well, you got your climax – just not with a kiss. But don't worry!


	27. Lies and explosions

_July 19th, Friday_

_Things that blew up: 2 (my door and me), things I threw at Remus: 1 book; stupid reasons __why Remus didn't kiss me back: 4; real reasons: 1 (I'm a freak!); _

Okay, so my plan didn't really work out as I had hoped. At around 4 in the afternoon, Molly finally got sick of all the banging and calling. She snapped, and blew up my door with one of Fred and George's Exploding Dungbombs. Actually, it's amazing that she didn't do that earlier. To my horror, not only Mum, Ginny and Hermione, but half the order were standing behind her, peering into my room worriedly. I groaned and buried my head in my hands.

"Damn it, can't a person get any privacy in this bloody madhouse!" Molly immediately realised the seriousness of the situation and sent the others away.

And then they all gathered round me (not all of the order, just Molly and Mum and the girls) and forced me to retell the entire story again. All the pain and humiliation!

They didn't have any idea what I could have done wrong either. They just came up with a bunch of really ridiculous reasons why Remus might have reacted that way. Seriously, they said stuff like "maybe he's just insecure because of the age difference, or because he hasn't been on a date for a while" or "maybe he thinks it won't work out because of his werewolf thing" and "maybe he was just afraid someone else might see you".

What are these people thinking? Those were like the most far-fetched arguments ever!

I know the real reason why this happened: I'm a freak. Or maybe I accidentally stepped on his foot while I was leaning towards him, and the pain ruined the moment for him.

Both options are equally possible (and way more plausible than that rubbish the others came up with!)

I had actually planned to get about twenty bottles of butterbeer and get so pissed I wouldn't remember anything about that horrible, horrible evening, but Molly, being the annoyingly wise person she is, had placed repelling charms on every drop of alcohol in the entire house, and the twins are forbidden to buy me anything. I tried to get Molly to have some pity and give me the damn booze by crying desperately in front of her, but she just forced me to drink a sleeping draught and put me to bed.

_Later:_

Someone banging on my door woke me up (someone must have repaired it while I was sleeping), and before I could even do anything about my horribly tousled hair, my blotchy face and my red eyes, Remus had stepped into my room. He looked at me with a very strange look which I couldn't quite decipher, but it must have been either pity or revulsion.

"Tonks, I'm sorry for what happened yesterday."

"Yeah, let's talk about that. What the hell happened yesterday? Is it just me or was that completely humiliating!"

"I'm sorry, I was just surprised. I didn't expect you to … do that."

"Oh really? Because I don't think it was all that surprising, after all that nice romantic tension we had going on!" He didn't know how to defend himself, and I didn't want to give him the opportunity. I've become pretty good at ranting. (I've learned from the best, eg Molly Weasley!)

"And you know what? You should have expected it, with your perfect date and the romantic Shakespeare play and the pretty little restaurant and the park and you being you. You should expect things like that to happen when you're asking a girl out and then being so damn kissable!" I'd actually planned to say much more, but at that moment I realised that was all there was to say. There was nothing more for me to do except wait for his reaction. Because I had put my feelings out there for him to see, and now it's up to him. And as I looked into his eyes, I was pretty sure what I saw raging in these grey depths wasn't pity or revulsion. But then his eyes cleared, his face turned free of every expression, and he said tonelessly:

"I just wanted to take you out on a friendly dinner to celebrate the end of your forced holiday. I really appreciate you as a friend, but there will never be more. I'm really sorry if I led you to believe that my feelings for you were anything else than deep friendship."

It sounded as if he had learnt it by heart. I just shook my head, slowly.

"Remus, we both know you're lying. Why are you doing this to me and to yourself?"

But he didn't answer, which made me really angry. As he turned away, I took the next best object on my nightstand and hurled it at the back of his head.

"Sure, run away, be a coward. That's going to help. You know what? I never want to speak to you ever again!" He almost tripped when the heavy book hit him, but then he stumbled to the door and left my room without looking back.


	28. Arguments and disruptions

_July 23rd, Tuesday_

_Time spent back at work: 2 hours (after that, my boss sent me back home saying it was "impossible to work with me"); hours spent mulling over Remus: about 50; hours spent being happy: 0; boxes of chocolate: 15; bottles of butterbeer: 12_

_Keep in mind that this is the sum of 3 days though. Otherwise I'd look like a really unhappy, chocolate-addicted alcoholic._

_Though, thinking about it, I _am _a really unhappy, chocolate-addicted alcoholic. And guess who is to blame?_

Today, I broke down. I woke up with the same crappy "life stinks"-feeling I've had for the past three days, preparing to go downstairs to get some coffee and maybe a hearty breakfast to throw up again like I did yesterday and the day before that.

But then, all of a sudden, I felt heartily sick of all this misery. I mean, seriously, I should be really happy: I'm a young woman in her best years, finally able to pursue my career again, and I've just given my heart to a man who I know is worth it. Everything could be perfect if it weren't for the stupid git rejecting me. And I know he feels something for me. There's absolutely no reason why we shouldn't at least try it. It's not as if we have a lot to lose.

By now, I'd thought myself into a rather furious mental state, meaning I was so angry that I just walked over to his room, still in the long silk nightdress my mum gave me for my birthday, and barged in without knocking. He was sitting at his desk, his back turned to the door and me, apparently working. I couldn't care less if he was busy developing a counter curse for Avada Kedavra.

"Remus, we need to talk." He swung around on his floating chair (the result of Ron and Harry's practicing for Charms) and smiled politely.

"I don't see the need to talk about anything, but if you just want to generally talk about the world or the Order or lunch today…"

"No, I mean we need to talk about why you're avoiding me. Why you take me out on a date and almost kiss me, just to reject me shortly afterwards and tell me what we have is only friendship. And maybe you don't want or need to talk about that, but I do. Because for the past two days, I barely left my room, and when I turned up at work, they sent me straight back home. I want to hear why you don't want me, and only if I can accept your reasons will I be able to move on and go back to my normal life again. I promise you, you won't ever have to talk to me again, and I will forget about everything that happened. But before that, you have to give me a reason to give up on you."

"Nymph, I really don't think you want to hear this."

"But I do. I want to hear it, and I want to hear it from you, now." He sighed, and then he turned away from me, burying his face in his hands.

"As… tempting as a relationship or whatever with you might be – and believe me, it is – there are just too many things standing in the way. First of all, I'm a werewolf. None of my relationships so far had a future because of that. I mean, I turn into a monster once a month, I'm a social outlaw and feared by the general public, and I can't get a job. I couldn't give a woman anything, let alone feed a family. Second, I am ten years older than you. You could do much better. There are loads of fine young men out there who would kill to date you, and none of them is a monster or has such a complicated history as I do. And what do you think the others would say? Your parents, who can still remember the times Sirius and I dropped by and you used to show us your dolls? They would think it's sick! Or Molly Weasley, who tried to set you up with Charlie ever since you first joined the order? Also, there's a war going on around us, and I've already got too many weaknesses without another loved one to worry about."

"I don't care about all that. I love you. Now deal with it."

I stomped out and slammed the door behind me. Seconds later, I was pacing in my room throwing things at the wall, the door burst open and Remus stormed in.

"What is the matter with you? 'I love you, now deal with it?' Who says that? Why am I supposed to deal with your feelings? I mean, how am I supposed to deal with it? Have you gone completely mad?"

"Yes, I have! I've never really been a sane person, I'm totally mad about you, and at the moment, I'm just really, really mad. I'm sick of your excuses, and your worries, and that you've tried to avoid me for the past few days and made me really miserable. I'm mad that I couldn't stop thinking about you for the last three weeks, because you're everything I could ever want, which you are obviously not thinking of me. I'm mad at the way my stomach flutters every time you smile at me, and I'm mad that you've got so much control over me!"

"I'm sorry. I don't know… it's just…there's so much stuff standing in the way of this…"

"Can't you just put all that stuff away for a moment and think about what you want? Just not be sensible and careful and diplomatic for a moment, and just let your feelings decide? You don't always have to be so guarded, you know."

He looked at me, and I had to concentrate really hard not to get sucked into the depths of his eyes again. Apart from that, he didn't seem to do anything else, but he must have stepped closer without me even noticing, because all of a sudden, he was very close. So close that he had placed a hand on my right hip, which sent warmth through my entire body.

"When you put it like this…"

His face was slowly coming closer. I could feel his breath tickling my cheek and smell a hint of cologne and tea. His eyes were boring into mine, searching for my very soul and at the same time showing his own. I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes, instead I kept sinking into those grey depths the colour of the sea just before a storm, while his grip on my waist tightened and his lips brushed over mine…

The door banged open and Severus Snape rushed in, demanding to see something or other and painfully disrupting our closeness – we jumped apart. Still, he had already seen it, and a sneer was creeping onto his face.

"As moving as this tender little moment of closeness might have been, I have to talk to Remus immediately. Maybe you could do something else in the meantime, Nymphadora – like waking Mrs Black or dropping some cups in the kitchen, or some of your other frequent pastimes."

Now this is it. I don't care what a powerful wizard Severus is, or what a great potions master, or how bloody experienced in the dark arts – as soon as this war is over, he's in for it.

Remus still managed to stay polite.

"Could this wait for a minute, Severus? We're kind of in the middle of a conversation."

Snivellus sneered. "Oh really? I'm sorry, I didn't realise that…" That's when I snapped.

"Stop that stupid sneering, keep your stupid, long nose out of our business, and get out!" He just mouthed wordlessly, before he turned around and left, closing the door behind him. Remus shot me a weird glance.

"Your people skills really amaze me every time." I didn't get a word of his praise, because I was so busy staring at his lips and wondering why on earth I still hadn't kissed him.

"Just shut up!" That said, I yanked his head down, and finally covered his lips with mine. After a way too short while, I had to come up for air again, but Remus seemed kind of unable to let go of me. Instead, he kept planting delicious, tiny little kisses on my temples, forehead, cheeks, slowly wandering down to my neck. That's when something occurred to me.

"And just what did you mean when you told Snivellus this would only be a minute? You better work on your time judgement, Mister, because you won't get out of this room before tomorrow!" Remus (to my slight dismay), lifted his head from my collarbone, looked me in the eye, and replied: "Fine by me," before crashing his lips down on my mouth again.

After that, we didn't really talk a lot...

A/N: I'd actually planned to make Tonks suffer a bit more, but I just couldn't do it.

I realize HBP makes my story canon, but now my time frame is wrong. But I don't mind that – I've finally managed to finish this story! Actually, I think I'm going to miss the characters a little. So I've already started planning a story in which we can see how their relationship develops. I'm not sure if I will actually ever write (or post) that story though, because at the moment, it's really out of canon (stupid HBP wrecking all my plans!). So, we'll see.

I'm also working on a Lily/James story, but I don't think it is ready to be posted yet.

Thank you all for sticking with me throughout the story, and for your very sweet, creative and encouraging reviews.

Love, Phoebedreams

Crash Kivicus: It would be really great if you could beta-read my stories. I'm not sure how that works though, because I never had a beta before. And it would be interesting to see a guy's point of view.


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